Nurture

God has been speaking this word into my life lately.  Alot.  From looking at the role of mothers and their children to how a mother is born to nurture to the absolute need of our children to receive nurturing.  Everywhere we look we see the results of a world where  the nurture relationship has been disrupted.

I grew up in an  alcoholic home full of violence and not a lot of nurture.  I was loved.  My parents both loved me to the best of their ability.  I grew up believing that if I could perform perfectly I would receive the loving/nurturing relationships I longed for.  Yet I always fell short.  Instead my Dad left and my mother's drinking took off leaving us kids to fend for ourselves. That is what we did -we learned to survive but not to thrive.

I was the perfect candidate to fall into my own addictions to escape the reality of my life.  & escape I did.  But still always seeking someone or something to make me feel nurtured.  Noone could love me enough to fill those empty places.  No one could be enough.  Could do enough.  Could say enough.

And yet everytime I have come face to face with one of my empty places I have run into Jesus.  It is only through HIM that I begin to find healing.

I have worked hard to make sure that my children have felt nurtured.  That they know they are loved no matter what.  I hope I am succeeding.  I hope they know that my heart's desire is for them to go so much further than I will ever go and to see and do so much more than I have.  I hope I have planted them in fertile soil from which to grow and spread out and enlarge their territories.

So why at this time in my life is God speaking NURTURE over me?  Perhaps because it is my season.  My season to just rest in God and let him nurture me.  To stop doing and to receive.  To let my roots go down deep and rest in the fertile soil I will find in this next level of my relationship with Christ.  Or maybe it is time for me to help other women who were not nurtured as a child claim their right to be nurtured and loved by the one who loves them best.

 Maybe it's time to let some of the people around me know that some times I am tired and empty and sometimes its lonely on the road I have been given to travel.  I go like the energizer bunny not because I have to but because I can.  There's always one more person out there I can reach.  One more thing God has for me to do.  But there are days where the pressures and needs of the people around me feel like teeth tearing at my flesh & it is those days that my steps get heavy and my spirit falters and only because of the love of Jesus I can put my next foot forward and take that next faltering step.

 Because no matter what this season of nurture looks like I only want to be where my Jesus is.  Doing what he has for me to do.  Going where he has for me to go.  I don't need to know the destination.  Just the next step he has for me.  So nurture away.........into this next thing that the lover of my soul has for me ....whereve that might lead.

Leading with my Emotions..............

I sat down this morning and read Matthew 14 to 16. 

It contains one of my favorite stories.......of Jesus walking across the sea to his disciples & Peter taking a giant leap of faith and stepping over the side of the boat and walking with Jesus.  I can so see myself as Peter begging Jesus to let me try it.  But this morning when I read it these things jumped out at me:

1.  The "boisterous" winds.  Matthew 14:30 - But when he saw that the wind was boisterous he was afraid and beginning to sink he cried out saying "Lord save me".  When Peter asked Jesus to let him try walking on the water Peter wasn't paying any attention to the winds.  He was only focused on what Jesus was doing.   & when he stood with one foot on the water and one safely in the boat..........he wasn't noticing wind.......he was only looking at Jesus.  It was only after he had entirely left the safety of the boat and actually taken a couple steps..........that he took his eyes off Jesus and noticed the boisterous winds. 

2.  Jesus felt emotion.  When Jesus and his disciples arrived at the tomb that held Lazarus "Jesus wept".  Jesus knew Lazarus was only temporarily dead.  He knew that he could bring Lazarus back to life.  Yet he wept.  At the feeding of the 5,000 and again at the feeding of the 4,000 Jesus had compassion on the crowds.  Emotions are God-given.  Women were created to be nurturers.  We raise children.  We build up our husbands.  We cry.  We laugh.  I believe that woman carries God's heart.

3.  Our emotions can be like boisterous winds.  In order for me to focus on what I am feeling right now my focus has to be on me.  If someone says something and it hurts my feelings it's because I'm focused on me & my feelings.  I can find forgiveness for that person when the focus comes off me and goes first to Jesus and t hen back to the other person involved.  I can be moved to tears and feel great compassion for someone without letting my feelings overwhelm me?  Why?  Because the focus isn't on me.

4.  Passionate Leadership.  I am a passionate person.  I have a passion for the things of Jesus and I love nothing more than sharing Jesus with those God puts in my path.  Just like Peter when my gaze is on the face of Jesus I will always find the courage to set that foot outside of the safety of the boat.  I will take the risk.  I will take those first few steps.  I love taking a risk for Jesus!   Doubt will only creep in if I tear my eyes from the face of Jesus and put them on my circumstances.  Just like when I focus on my feelings insted of Jesus.....I open myself up to  believe the lies of the Enemy  Jesus had emotions.  He showed them openly.  But HIS FOCUS NEVER WAVERED FROM HIS FATHER.  When I start focusing on my feelings; on past hurts; on criticism I waver.........I start to sink and then along come those boisterous winds

God has made me to be passionate.  That is one of my greatest strenghts & greatest weaknesses.  It means I am passionate about what I do...........it also means I'm wide open to the hurt that comes along with taking that risk. 

I'm on a journey.  Not to stop leading with my heart, with my passion.  My passion and my heart are God-given and they are precious.  My journey is to learn to lead  with all that I've got and with my eyes never wavering from the face of my Jesus. 

Oh how I love my Jesus.

 2 Corinthians 2:9 – For to this end I also wrote that I might put you to the test, whether you are obedient in all things.

Am I obedient to God in ALL things?  Nope.  I get a big ol FAIL on that one.  There is still one area of my life I struggle to surrender to God – my addiction to food.  I have abused my “temple” to the point that it is affecting my health.  It is affecting my emotional health as well – along with all the excess weight comes a huge struggle with self image.  This leaves me wide open to the lies of the Enemy.  This is one of the roots I must tear out.  I have worked so hard to lose weight in the past only to fail.  Again and again and again.  Perfect ground for those lies – I’m just made this way – Nope I have pictures of me back in the day that prove this lie isn’t true. 

But whether I believe the lies or not there is still the issue of obedience.  I am not being obedient to God in ALL things if I continue to overeat and abuse my body.  If I want to live my life completely sold out to Jesus than I must completely surrender.  I can’t handle my food addiction on my own.  It’s embarrassing to admit that I struggle in this area – why I don’t know.  Anyone who looks at me knows.  So I find myself once again facing yet another surrender.  One more step towards being in the will of God.

Truth is I’m scared.  Which is why I’m putting this right out there.  Because I need to be held accountable for what I am putting in my mouth – the way I am treating my body.  I cannot be an effective witness for Christ if I am carrying self loathing and actively practicing an addiction.

Father God you are bigger than any addiction I may have.  I know this.  You have set me free from an alcohol and drug addiction that almost killed me on multiple occasions.  I need your freedom once again Lord.  I can’t do this anymore.  I surrender.  I want to be obedient to you in ALL things – in every area of my life.  Help me Lord.  I can’t do this alone.  Amen.

Blind Eyes Open

So I spent last weekend on a mountain with a group of ladies I love.  But I didn't want to go.  I told myself it was because I don't fit in with them.    The heart and direction of their ministry often times seems so contrary to mine.  I am more at home in a homeless shelter, or a jail, or an inner city poverty stricken church than I am at a woman's conference or most women's ministry events.  Why?  I don't know - it's just the way I'm made.    I was soon to discover that that whole "feeling like I don't fit in thing" was not based in truth at all. 

It didn't take that long after I arrived for God to show me the lie.  It had nothing to do with not fitting in and everything to do with some hurts I had been carrying.  The surprising part of the whole thing to me was that these were hurts that I knew I had and thought I had been dealing with. 

You see, I serve in a couple of ministries where I am there to serve.  Its not my ministry.  I love the vision and the heart of the women I serve under.  I trust their vision.  I believe in their vision & I follow the vision.  But I also know it's not mine.  God has not given these ministries to me.  But there are those God has entrusted into my hands.  The visions are visions I have birthed.  I have suffered through the birth pangs and the growing pains.  I have poured all I have into these ministries.   I love those I minister to. 

Which is why when one of my "babies", my ministries comes under criticism it cuts deeply.  Comments like "can't you control those kids?" or "I don't know why they won't behave for you I have no problem with them" cut to the quick.  I have been rather appalled at some of the things that people will say to you when you are the head of a ministry.  Things they would never say to a friend or a family member or even a "sister in the Lord" they will freely say in the spirit of  "helping".  

But it's not about them.  It's about me.  Why do I let these words leave the wounds that they do?  Am I in ministry to please them or to please my God?   Why is it after one of these encounters I walk away feeling like I am failing?   Because deep down inside there is a place of old lies.........whose roots go down deep..........where words like "failure" and "unworthy" reside.   Oh progress has been made.  There are whole patches of ground now where the soil is a mess from the roots of these lies being chopped and wripped out.  But as God has shown me there are spots here and there where the lies of the Enemy still find fertile soil.  Areas of my heart that need to be refined and purified and those roots torn out.  It is painful when you rip a root out.  It reopens wounds and allows fresh blood to flow.  But where the flow of blood used to mean only that there is pain.  Tody it is the blood of healing that flows. 

This past weekend those words of criticism were the very tool that God used to unveil the lies.  The roots that had grown down deep and were way below the surface just waiting for the right words to fall.  He exposed them one by one.  I spent the weekend not just being superficially "pruned" but in absolute agony as deep roots were torn out and cast into the fire.  God has planted me where I am for a reason.  He has given me a new root system.  But in order for my new roots to reach the fertile soil he has prepared I must give up my dependence on the old root system.  Those old roots will prevent new growth.  They will not allow my new roots to spread and will limit new growth. When I look at a tree all I see is what is above the ground.  But underneath the ground the root system of that tree can spread hundred and hundreds of feet away.  All those old twisted roots must be torn out so that my new roots can spread wide and far.   Only if my roots can spread will I be able to claim new territory and new areas of influence.

One of the areas I needed to heal in involved my worship.  I was up against the fence with my worship.  Do I change the way I worship to please man or do I worship to please God?  I spent Saturday morning on my face crying out to God asking if my worship pleased Him. I was face down on the floor with my hands out in front of me.  I felt the slightest pressure in my hand and looked at the palm of my hand to see something glistening.  At first I thought it was gold dust, then maybe oil.  I didn't really dare to touch it or move because I was afraid it would go away.  It didn't.  It stayed.   So I saved it in a plastic bag and then transferred it to an envelope.  It wasn't oil.  It looked like micah (sp?).  Like flakes of glass or plastic..............or like the scales that fall from the eys of the blind.  You see, I was blind.  I was spiritualy blind.  I am in the places I am in for a reason.  It may not be to receive ministry but rather because there is something God has deposited in me that other people need.  They may not know it.  They may not even want it.  That's between them and God.  You see I love the broken, the prisoners, the drug addicts, the children society has forgotten about. I have a harder time ministering to the pretty people.  The ones who don't need Jesus the way "my people" do.  But they need me.  I'm not saying that to sound full of myself or prideful but because that is what God has told me. 

I spent my entire weekend finding scales.  On the carpet during worship.  In my room.  In the spa at the place where we were staying.  And every time I found one I heard God say "I am well please with you".  "Your worship pleases me".  "You are worthy".  "You are my daughter".  He spoke the words "Refiner's Fire" over me.

God pried out the roots of the Enemy and healed my heart.  Then he spoke to me.  I have healed you so that you can open blind eyes.  I am giving you a ministry of healing blind eyes.  Starting with my own.  Forgive me Father for my blindness.  I want to see as you see.  Use me Lord.  Open my blind eyes and use me to heal the blind eyes of those of the world. 

Fearless

Nehemiah 6:9 - For they all were trying to make us afraid saying "Their hands will be weakened and it will not be done".  Now therefore O God strengthen my hands.

Fear is a funny thing.  Sometimes it seems that we have no control over it.  There are just some things we are afraid of.  Take me, for example, I am terrified of snakes.  Why?  Because when I was a kid my brothers chased me around the house with one and then hid and when I ran around the corner of the house they threw it at me and it wrapped itself around my neck.  Now I was in no danger.  It was just a big ol garden snake (okay it's big in my mind but it was probably tiny)  & it was probably way more afraid of me than I was of it.  But ever since that day when I see a snake I lose my breath.  Literally.  I feel like I can't breathe.  I can't move.  I just freeze up.  In all honesty it has gotten better so that last year when I was hiking I actually got close enough to one to take its picture.  But I was poised to run if I had to.

But doesn't this verse in Nehemiah give a perfect illustration of the intent of fear?  Fear purposes to stop us from what we are doing - from building that wall - our hands from working.  It's intent is to stop us in our tracks - to keep us from moving forward.

I've learned a lot about fear in my lifetime.  It's the one of the first emotions I remember feeling.  If fear is a feeling........   I covered up my fear by escaping into other worlds.  At first with barbies and books and later on with alcohol, drugs, unhealthy relationships, work, food..........the list goes on and on and on.  I covered up my fear with anger and rage.   I hid it well.  Until one day for no particular reason I couldn't move.  I couldn't breathe.  I was watching a hole open up in front of me in the middle of my living room floor and I knew if I fell into that hole I would never find my way out again.  No I wasn't having a nightmare.  I wasn't having a bad drug experience.  I was stone cold sober.  I was happily married.  I had three wonderful children.  No life wasn't always easy but it was good.

So where did this fear come from?  I didn't know.  I tried to figure it out.  Boy did I try!  I spent a long time trying to get to the bottom of my fear.  Until I just couldn't anymore.  Until I realized the more I focused on my fear the bigger, the stronger it became.  If I took my eyes off my fear and focused on God and what he could do my fear got smaller and smaller.  Until I realized I didn't need to know what caused my fear but I did need to know who my God is.

Later on at verse 13 it says "For this reason he was hired, that I should be afraid and act that way and sin that they might have cause for an evil report that they might reproach me".

Isn't that also a truth about fear?  It desperately wants to get us to stop the work we were called to do.  If the very presence of fear in our lives won't get us to stop our work - then another tactic is to try to get fear to lead us into sin.  After all if fear itself won't stop us.......guilt and shame might.

I don't know when my fear began to fade away but I think it happened right around the time I  decided that nothing was going to stop me from chasing after God.  No fear.  No person.  No place.  No thing.  No emotion.   If I had to take every step God asked of me afraid that's what I was going to do.  DO IT AFRAID would be my new motto.  I think it had something to do with coming to an understanding that God had conquered fear.  Living in fear was my choice.  I could claim God's promises over my life and be set free.

Nehemiah's answer to fear was "Strengthen my hands O Lord".  That's the clue.  We just keep on showing up and doing what's in front of us to be done.  That's all courageous people do.  Courageous people are just ordinary people who do what needs to be done in the face of very difficult circumstances.  Want to see the face of courage?  Look at Jesus.

Do I still experience fear?  Yes I do.  But today I choose to not let it cripple me; not let it stop my work.  I just do it afraid.  & I keep on doing.  I don't do anything.  I make a decision to not live in fear today and God does the rest.  Its a beautiful thing!

No Walls

Zechariah 2:3:  ..... and another angel was coming out to meet him.  Who said to him, "Run, Speak to this young man saying: "Jerusalem shall be inhabited as towns without walls, because of the multitude of men and livestock in it.  For I says the Lord "will be a wall of fire all around her and I will be the glory in her midst".

Walls were important in biblical times.  There were walls around the city to keep invaders and predators out.  They kept the inhabitants safe and secure.  They were fortresses which men defended from invading armies because if those walls were breached their families were vulnerable to attack. 

We may not have walls around our cities today but walls are still important.  Our homes have walls to keep us warm and protect us from the elements and to keep strangers out and loved ones in.  We don't think about walls today.  They're just there.  Holding the roof up; keeping the cold out.  We decorate them and hang pictures on them.

But what about our hearts?  Have we installed "spiritual walls" to keep invaders out?  To keep strangers out?  Are we keeping God out of certain areas of our hearts and lives?  Are we using our walls to limit what God can do in us and through us.  When I met God I was about as broken as a young woman can be.  I had been broken  and hurt beyond repair (or so I thought).  So I offered God a chance - to do what he could do with this trash heap.  But I didn't let him all the way in.  There were certain things that were just too painful for me to trust ANYONE with.  There were sections of my heart I boarded up and place a huge "Do Not Enter" sign on.  & God accepted that.  He honored that.  He never pushed.  He never forced his way in.  He just loved me just the way I was until little by little those walls began to crumble and fall.  And when the walls were gone and my deepest hurts were revealed he poured out his healing oil and made me whole.

What about our lives?  Are we spending all our time operating within the safety of our walls and not venturing outside?  What about our ministry?  Do we only serve where we are comfortable even though our heart swells with compassion for the broken lives we see every day?   Do we close our eyes or pretend not to see. Just like our hearts God will respect our free will to let him in or keep him out of our lives or just certain areas of our lives.  But God desires to be the wall of fire all around our lives and the glory in our midst.

What if we stopped vying for position within our church walls and just stepped outside and shared our story/the gospel with one person?  What if we mentored one lonely child or took someone down on their luck out for a cup of coffee?  Comfortable?  Not always.  What if we stopped criticizing our church leadership, our ministry heads and simply said "what can I do to help"?  What if we stopped being part of the problem and became the solution?  What if we stepped aside from doing things "we've always done" and gave someone else a chance?  What if we nurtured each other's giftings and abilities instead of judging one another?  

The Enemy would flee.  The prisoners would be set free!

God desires to be the wall of fire around our lives and the glory in our midst.  What if we stopped pretending and just got real? What if we truly got transparent - sharing our mistakes as well as our successes?  What if we showed people that we aren't perfect but we know the one who is?  The one who can take our mistakes and turn them into opportunity.    What if we truly loved one another as Jesus did? 

We would change the world around us. 

Father God I am sorry for all of the times I judge and criticize others.  Forgive me Lord for all the times I slip into being a part of the problem instead of the solution.  Search my heart and my life Lord.  Reveal to me any area I am not granting you access to.  I surrender each and every one of them to you.  Lord I want you to be the wall of fire around my life and the glory in my midst.  Invade me Lord Jesus.  Fill with your fire and let your glory shine brightly to all those around me.  May you receive all of the glory Lord Jesus.  I lay all of me before you, at your feet.  Mold me, shape me & light me on FIRE.  Just as your fire surrounds me Lord let me be the spark that will set someone else on fire.  Let your fire burn and your presence overwhelm me always.  Amen.

Blind Eyes

Luke 6:39 ...Can the Blind lead the Blind?  Will they not both fall into the ditch?

I see this in the world all the time.  Blind people leading blind people.  I'm not talking about physical blindness but spiritual blindness.  Look at our country, our state, our city.  Everywhere you look you see the results of the blind leading the blind.  Corruption.  Addiction.  Hunger.  Homelessness.  I'm not talking about a 3rd world country - I'm talking about my own.

I have come to the painful realization that I too am blind.  God has a purpose for certain  circumstances in my life and I have been blind to them.  Instead of  trying to "see" what God is doing my vision blurs and all I can focus on is me.  If I look at my life and all I can see is me.....I'm blind.  I have been in such a place recently.  My friend Vivian has been smacking me and saying to me "Open your blind eyes Momma Ida".  I would just look at her - not getting it at all.

You see I was dissatisfied with the ministries I was involved in; wondering why I was there because my heart and my vision seem so vastly different from those of  the ministry I am in.  I was feeling very much apart from and not a part of.  Why?  Because I was looking to this ministry to supply my needs instead of looking to see what I had that this ministry needed.   Vivian kept saying to me maybe you're not in these ministries to "fit it" but maybe God has placed you there to "be the change".  Geesh I'm starting to dislike those words. 

I am a believer in the saying "If you take the action, the feelings will follow.....".  In other words, I do not sit around waiting to feel like doing something - I just do it.  So I began to cry out to God asking him to open my blind eyes.  Nothing happened at first but as I began to turn my gaze from my life, my circumstances, the world around me and focus instead on the face of my Savior I began to feel the scales fall from my eyes.  I would like to report my eyes are completely open and my vision is clear but I cannot.  What I can say is that today I am aware I am blind and that my vision is beginning to clear.  I can see shadows of men where once there was only darkness.

God is doing something in me. I can feel it.  God is showing me that he has put things inside of me - desires, visions, a heart for the broken - for a reason.  I may not fully understand what his plan is but I can use what I have right now with whoever he puts in front of me. 

God has also been showing me that when he asks us to lead - we need to be careful that we are not leading others blindly.  If he has put me in a position to minister to others than I need to take that responsibility seriously.  There is nothing routine about ministry.  If my eyes are blind & I can't find my own way out of a cardboard box....how will I show someone else the way out?  I must seek God in everything I do.  I now pray for HIS vision.  The steps HE would have me take.  The words HE would have me speak.  God isn't blind.  He sees what I can't see.  He plans my every step.  He forms my words for me.  God is showing me that I must lead with not only passion but with purpose.  Not my purpose but HIS purpose.  I am accountable to God with the way I lead those around me; with the way I minister to those he gives me to minister to.  Woah, right?  I can't get too comfortable in my ministry and lose "sight" of  the awesome responsibility God has given me.  I know it's not about "me" anymore - it's about "Him" but I am responsible for what I do with what he has given me.

As a result, I am falling in love with people that a few months ago  I didn't even think about. I have been given new ministry opportunities and I haven't lifted a finger to search them out.  Things are happening all around me and all I have to do is continue to chase after God.  To seek Him.  To get in his presence and let him fill me.  Let Him wipe the cloudiness from my eyes.  Stay in his presence long enough for my vision to be restored.

Father God, I love you.  Please give me your eyes to see.  Heal me of my blindness Lord.  For I was blind but now I see.  Let me turn my gaze to you always.  All I desire  is to follow you and to see the world around me as you see it.  I desire to see the broken and the lonely healed and set free.  Lord open blind eyes all around me.  In my church, in my city, in my state, in my country.  Let "Blind Eyes Open" be the call of a turning from this world to YOUR WORD.  Let us rally around you, your truth, your EYES.    In Jesus name.  Amen.

Prayer for a Nation

LINCOLN’S PRAYER PROCLAMATION

In 1863, during the American Civil War, Abraham Lincoln called the nation to repentance, to confession of national sins, and to a turning back to God. In a world today caught up in confiict between nations and within nations, a similar call would bring more peace and prosperity than wars or treaties can provide.

A Proclamation for a National Day of Prayer

Whereas, the Senate of the United States, devoutly recognizing the supreme authority and just government of the Almighty God in all the affairs of men and of nations, has by a resolution requested the president to designate and set apart a day for national prayer and humiliation.

And whereas, it is the duty of nations as well as of men to own their dependence upon the overruling power of God: to confess their sins and transgressions in humble sorrow, yet with assured hope that genuine repentance will lead to mercy and pardon; and to recognize the sublime truth, announced in the Holy Scriptures and proven by all history, that those nations only are blessed whose God is the Lord:

And insomuch as we know that by His divine law nations, like individuals, are subjected to punishments and chastisements in this world, may we not justly fear that the awful calamity of civil war which now desolates the land may be but a punishment inflicted upon us for our presumptuous sins, to the needful end of our national reformation as a whole People? We have been the recipients of the choicest bounties of Heaven. We have been preserved, these many years, in peace and prosperity. We have grown in numbers, wealth, and power as no other nation has ever grown; but we have forgotten God. We have forgotten the gracious hand which preserved us in peace, and multiplied and enriched and strengthened us; and we have vainly imagined, in the deceitfulness of our hearts, that all these blessings were produced by some superior wisdom and virtue of our own. Intoxicated with unbroken success, we have become too self-sufficient to feel the necessity of redeeming and preserving grace, too proud to pray to the God who made us:

It behooves us then, to humble ourselves before the offended Power, to confess our national sins, and to pray for clemency and forgiveness:

All this being done in sincerity and truth, let us then rest humbly in the hope authorized by the divine teachings, that the united cry of the nation will be heard on high, and answered with blessings no less than the pardon of our national sins, and the restoration of our now divided and suffering country to its former happy condition of unity and peace.

Let us not forget that as a nation we need God just as much as we need God in our own personal lives. 

STAND FIRM

1 Chronicles 11:13-14.

He (Eleazar) was with David at Pasdammim. Now there the Phillistines were gathered for battle and there was a piece of ground full of barley. So the people fled from the Phillistines. But they (David & Eleazar) stationed themselves in the middle of that field, defended it and killed the Phillistines. So the LORD brought about a great victory.




Have you ever wanted to throw in the towel, quit or just run away?  That's the valley I've been trudging through for a while now.  I've been torn apart at the thought of leaving some of the ministries I've been involved in for the last several years but at the same time wasn't sure how I could continue on with the way things are.  The only thing that has kept me from just throwin in that towel are the amazing people I serve in those ministries.  My heart is invested.   A dear friend has said the words "Be the Change" to me so many times I feel like it should  be tattoed on my forehead.

Now I'm not talking a few weeks here.  I'm talking month after month after month even though I've taken all the actions that would keep me moving forward - co-leading mission trips, co-leading outreaches in my city, showing up, serving, loving those in front of me.  I've asked God a hundred times "Why do you have me in these ministries, in these places, when you know my heart and my passion and I feel like it's being put out".  You've put big dreams, big plans, in my heart Lord so why am I serving in places where I feel like I'm not being supported, where I feel like I'm all alone out on the front lines with those I serve and even those I serve with and under don't seem to care.

I have cried and repented and begged God to change my heart and my attitude.  I have come face to face with some of my own "ugliness" and have cried out to JESUS that he would simply rip my eyes from those around me and put them back on Him.  I've prayed for eyes ONLY for Him & I've made this my daily prayer.  And yet I keep finding myself in this place & the only thing that keeps me going is the love I have for those these ministries serve.

Something tells me that when David and Eleazar looked around in that barley field and realized everyone else had run away that they felt pretty alone.  Especially as they watched wave after wave after wave of the Philistine army coming over the hill and marching right at them.  I bet they didn't feel particularly supported by those around them or over them.  Something tells me they probably even wondered why God would lead them to this field in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by Philistines and leave them there with dreams unfulfilled.

But they didn't run away with their friends.  They STATIONED THEMSELVES in the middle of the field.  Stationed represents a purposeful act.  They took up positions in that field and purposed to fight no matter what was coming over the hills at them.  Something tells me that at some point they lifted their eyes from the Enemy coming over the hills and raised their eyes to Heaven.  They took their EYES OFF THEIR CIRCUMSTANCES, OFF THEIR ENEMY AND PLACED THEM ON GOD AND GOD  BROUGHT FORTH A VICTORY!

Now I am not pretending to say that those around me in my life are my enemies.  Far from it actually.   They are my friends and I love them.  God has given me a different passion, a different heart than a lot of the people around me.  I believe it's for a reason.  I believe it is because HIS call on my life is different from the call on the lives of a lot of those around me.  I have been called to live a life completely sold out for Jesus Christ.  He has different plans for me and I am fine with that.  That can be a lonely place sometimes.  I bet Jesus was lonely sometimes too.  This I do know though .....if I STAND FIRM right where God has planted me, in the middle of my barley field.........GOD WILL BRING ABOUT THE VICTORY. 

What if all of David and Eleazar's friends had stayed ....... maybe the story would have read differently......David's army defeated the Phillistines.  End of story.  Perhaps it was only because David & his friend Eleazar STATIONED THEMSELVES and STOOD FIRM that God was able to MOVE and receive the Glory for what HE had done.  David and Eleazar STATIONED THEMSELVES purposefully in that field.  They grasped their swords and THEY STOOD FIRM.  Yes they were scared.  Yes they felt alone and abandoned.  They must have wondered why God had brought them to a barley field to die.  But they STOOD FIRM.

This is my prayer.  Father God help me to STAND FIRM in the middle of my BARLEY FIELD just as David and Eleazar did.  Let me STATION myself to be of maximum use to you and to those around me.  Let me not focus today on the approaching enemy but on YOU.  For no army of this world is greater than MY GOD.  LORD I WILL NOT RUN.  MY FEET ARE PLANTED FIRMLY.  PURPOSEFULLY.  I AM STATIONED IN MY FIELD.  I WILL WAIT ON YOU FOR THE VICTORY YOU WILL BRING.  I LOVE YOU MY LORD, MY SAVIOUR, MY FRIEND.







 

The Cross in the Closet

I was sorting through a closet at church the other day looking for a storage bin and tucked away in the dark in the very back of the closet was an old wooden cross.  I pulled it out and carried it into the teen room at church and thought I would put it up on the wall.  After all it was just collecting dust in the closet.  Tonight with a little wire and a lot of help we got the cross hanging on the wall.

My friend Vivian posted this today which made me think about the significance of pulling that cross out of the closet:

S - John 19:39 Nicodemus, who had first come to Jesus at night, came now in broad daylight carrying a mixture of myrrh and aloes, about seventy-five pounds.

O - Nicodemus, along with Joseph of Arimathea, finally decided to honor Jesus in the open, instead of in secret.

A - Do they know that you believe? Are you a secret Christian? There is no shame in believing in Christ and following the one true God and what He has written in His Word. If you are ashamed, then the esteem of man ranks higher with you than your love for the Man who gave His life for you. How sad Nicodemus and Joseph must have been to have seemingly lost one whom they loved so much and yet they never dared to show it. And how bold, after Jesus' death, to finally step out and honor Him.

P - Lord, help me to love and honor the living now so that I have no regrets. And help me to honor You by worshiping and following You openly, without shame, because I love You more than the esteem of man.

Was it a coincidence that I stumbled across an old dusty cross  and a few days later Vivian posted her divine inspiration on John 19:39.  I don't think so.  Consider this cross "out of the closet" forever.  Let's not hide our crosses in the closet but carry them proudly.  After all the one that died on that cross did it for you and for me.  And those secrets, those "crosses" we bear we can pull those out of their closets too because Jesus died to set us free.  The more I share my "secrets" the freer I become and most days I don't need a closet...........cause Jesus has set me free to just be me & this "me" just wants to seek the face of JESUS not in the privacy of my closet but out in public, on the streets, at work, at home and EVERYWHERE.  Can you imagine what our world would look like if we started living for JESUS right out in the open where everyone could see? 

Letting Go

I have survived another surrender; I have let go once again.  I'd like to tell you this one was easy but it was not.  What I will tell you, however, is that even in the midst of it I got a glimpse of God's hand and his purpose and his plan and that alone eased the pain.

Paul and I drove 5 hours to bring Patrick (my son) to Central Maine Master's Commission at Calvary Temple in Waterville, ME.  I've been dreading today for months.  I've fretted and worried about my "baby".  Who's going to remind him to pick up his laundry (or to wash it); who will make sure he eats right and watch out for him?  These are just a few of the thoughts that would wash over me as I thought about dropping him off  and coming home without him.  After all I've had him for 18 years.  I've laughed at him and with him.  I've cried over him and with him.  I've picked him up and dusted him off and sent him back into the game.  I've watched countless football games through my fingers because I couldn't watch them tackle my boy :)  I've pulled homework out from under his bed, his closet and the woods across the street.  I've threatened and yelled.  I've prayed and prayed and prayed.

A week ago I had a conversation with God which I called my "Abraham Moment" when God clearly spoke to me and said "Give him to me" and I clearly saw myself placing my son in God's hands.  You see - he really isn't mine.  He was only mine on loan.  He's been God's all along.  I'd like to say that that just made the whole process of packing and leaving easy..........but it didn't.  There were still clothes to wash and pack, closets to empty and memories to walk through but at the end of the day there he was ............ closing the door of his room for the last time; saying good-bye to his dog and walking to the car.

And 5 hours later we were getting out of the van and looking around the place where he would be starting the next chapter of his life.  We were laughing and playing games with other parents who were standing right where we were.  We were meeting his roommates and wondering how four boys were going to survive in that little room (especially since they will be taking turns cooking and cleaning) and we were unloading the car and leaving for the night.  No good-byes yet because we would see him in the morning at church. 

And then this morning.  I walked into church and he was already there.  Hanging out with his new friends.  He came over and told us all about his first night in the dorm and he was grinning from ear to ear.  This strange place was already becoming his new home.  Worship began and we sang a song about surrendering it all & then the pastor shared his heart and vision for the youth before him and preached a sermon called "Ordinary Heroes".  This man I barely know is already invested in my son.  I watched Pat answer the alter call and watched him receive prayer on the floor at the alter.  And through my tears I hugged my son and said good-bye and yet I had to smile because the entire morning had shown me clearly that Pat is exactly where he is supposed to be and there he stood in God's hands.......in Maine.

Face to Face

A week ago Paul and I received a call that our niece had overdosed and was being rushed to the hospital.  Off we went to the ER where we sat until around 2 in the morning.  The hospital policy is that only two people can be in the room at a time so we took turns visiting.  When it was my turn, as I sat next to my niece's bed.......it struck me.  She was sleeping as I sat there and while she slept her face looked like the little girl I used to play with.  The little girl we had funny nicknames for and who used to spend the night with us snuggled in bed between the two of us.  The little girl I watched Charlie & the Chocolate Factory with a thousand times.    And I had to ask myself..........how do you go from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory to a suicide attempt at 19?  The answer...........PAIN.   It doesn't matter if I understand the pain, approve of the pain or what I think.  It's not about me.  It's about a young girl who for a moment in time thought death would be easier than life. 

It was scary coming face to face with the reality that she wanted to die.  That she could have been gone from my life forever.  I was surprised at how sharp that pain was.

The pain that was equally as sharp was knowing that there have been times when I have resisted getting involved and trying to help because I thought she really didn't want my help or because her life was too messy.  Ouch!  Not exactly what Jesus would do, huh? 

I know that I can't save her.  That's between her and God but I can do my best to be more involved in her life and to point her to the answer for her pain - a relationship with God.  At 19 that probably doesn't look that interesting but I was only 24 when I was right where she was and it was God and God alone that intervened and saved my life.  He never gave up on me.  Never turned his back on me.  Just like Jesus.  Jesus waded right into the middle of people's messy lives and when he showed up - circumstances changed.  The blind saw.  The deaf heard.  The lame walked.  

Lord my neice needs a miracle.  She needs you.  She needs your love.  Use me Lord to reach her for you and forgive me for all the times I didn't reach out with your love.  Give me your eyes to see her.  Your heart to love her & your wisdom to guide her.  Amen.

What Does Love Look Like?

This is what I picture love looking like.

It's loving regardless of mistakes that have been made.

It's loving those that don't always appear very loveable.

It's accepting that I am imperfect and yet I am loved.

I didn't do anything to earn it.

I don't deserve it.

Yet I am loved.  Perfectly.

The Royal Rule

Read James 2.

Discuss:

Don't let the opinion of others influence your faith. Our faith walk is not supposed to be about doing things to please other people or to "look good" or to get a better "position". James gives an example of a rich man and a homeless man entering a church. Would you usher the rich man to the "best seat in the house" and ignore the homeless man? Our motives matter. We can make ourselves look great by serving others but if our serving has strings attached or is covering up a selfish motive it will not please God. Jesus should be the reason behind everything we do.

The Royal Rule - Loves Others As You Love Yourself.

Jesus loved the down & out. He ate with them. He hung out with them. He entrusted his church into their hands. By today's standards Jesus' disciples would probably be labeled "losers". They had no homes, they didn't hold down regular jobs. They didn't ride the nicest camels. (Okay I couldn't help myself there). The point is ........... Jesus saw something in them that the rest of the world didn't. Just like Jesus sees things in you that others don't always see. We will only see these things in ourselves and in others when we walk and talk and act in LOVE. Talk and act like a person exepcting to be judged by this rule. Love Others. This is the rule that sets us free. If you refuse to act kindly you can hardly expect to be treated kindly. Kind mercy will beat harsh judgment every time.

NOW GO & DO! LOVE OTHERS. YOUR MOTHER, YOUR FATHER, YOUR SISTER, YOUR BROTHER, YOUR FRIENDS, YOUR ENEMIES, THE HOMELESS PERSON ON THE STREET, THE BULLY, THE LONELY, THE LOST. LOVE THEM ALL.

So You Want to be A Leader?

Jesus got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples feet. John 13:4-5.

Ponder this: Jesus had to kneel before each disciple in order to wash their feet.... Jesus - King of Kings - knelt on the floor before each of his disciples and washed their feet. Jesus washed the feet of the disciple who would betray him and the disciples who would abandon him. He knew what they would do. He knelt before each of his disciples as a servant would & washed their feet.

In his own words Jesus said "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them. It is not this way among you, but whoever wishes to be first [great] among you shall be your servant." Matthew 20:25-26.

 In his own words Jesus said - if you want to be a great leader you must be a great servant. You must learn to serve. According to Jesus, great leaders are servant-leaders. They love people enough to get down and get dirty with them. That means the leader of any ministry serves the very people he leads.

Want to be a Leader? Learn to be a Servant. Learn to love the very people you want to lead. Ask God to give you HIS heart for those very people. Find ways to serve them & you'll be on your way. So what are you waiting for? Learn to Serve.

Real or Imitation

1 Corinthians 10:33 reads ..."Imitate me just as I also imitate Christ".  This is the formula for making disciples.  Everyone of us, regardless of our age or our schedule or our family situation or our financial situation should be disciple makers.  If we are livin like the real deal people should want to follow us.
Paul is challenging us here - to walk the way that Jesus did.  Paul was a disciple maker.  He followed Jesus and in turn challenged his followers to follow him:  To live lives not seeking their own well being - but putting the well being of other people in front of their own.  To have every interaction edify or lift up the other person.  How many of us can say that - that every interaction we have leaves the other person being lifted up, loved & supported?  To do everything that we do from brushing our teeth to taking a test to cleaning our rooms to how we treat our brothers and sisters for the Glory of God.  If we are truly disciples isn't this our job?
Paul wanted people to live like the real deal.  Just like Jesus did.  I read this & thought "Wow I've got some work to do".  My thought life still largely centers around me & my wants and needs.  I have interactions that I'm sure don't leave the other person feeling "lifted up". 
Here's the challenge!  Start identifying those things in your life that you really want & start praying for them - for someone else.  Want to really be challenged? - start praying for those things for someone who you don't like.   Spend one week trying to leave every person you talk to feeling better than when you started your conversation.  Say hi to some people you wouldn't normally talk to.  Do an act of kindness for someone every day.  Shock your parents & do something without being asked!  See living like a "real" disciple doesn't have to be about doing big things (although I encourage all of you to dream BIG) - it can be the little things in our life that we do every day that make a BIG difference.  GO & MAKE SOME DISCIPLES!

CHOOSE LIFE!

Deuteronomy 30.  
Verse 16 - ...I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in His ways and to keep His commandments, His statutes and His judgments that you may live and multiply and the Lord your God will bless ....

Verse 19 - ...I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life that both you and your descendants may live.

Verse 14 - But the word is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, that you may do it.

Verses 1-3 - Now it shall come to pass when all these things come upon you, the blessing and the curse which I have set before you and you call them to mind....and you return to the Lord your God and obey His voice....that the Lord your God will bring you back from captivity and have compassion on you....

Obedience Again.  This is old testament stuff.  Full of "you shall" and "you shall nots".  I used to find myself feeling hopeless when I read this stuff because it seemed God wanted me to be impossibly good and I knew I was a sinner.  But look again.  It is clear that God is commanding us to love Him, to walk in His ways and to keep His commandments.  He even refers to this choice as choosing life over death (meaning that disobedience will result in death).  How in the world am I supposed to live up to this?  I mess up.  Alot.  He gives me the answer in verse 14 - the WORD.  If I read the Word, speak the Word and have the Word in my heart I CAN walk in His ways.  I can avoid temptation.


But look.  God knew we were going to mess up.  That's where verses 1-3 come in - when we realize we've messed up and we turn back to God and obey His voice he will have compassion on us and bring us back from captivity.  Captivity from what?  The sin or bondage that we have fallen into.


This gives us an amazing look at God's heart.   He made a way out for us.  Why?  Because he loves us so much he doesn't want a single one of us to face death.......so he gives us chance after chance after chance to choose life.

What are you choosing today?  Life?  Death?  Are you trapped today?  God is the way out.  The directions are found in a book we call the Bible.  Crack it open!  Dive in!  You will find life inside its pages!  A life more exciting than your wildest dreams!

The way of Obedience

Deuteronomy 28 & 29. 

Obedience vs. Dis-obedience.  God tells us clearly in these verses that there are tremendous blessings in being obedient to God's word.  There are also huge consequences if we choose not to.  So how obedient am I?  Am I obedient in all areas of my life?  Or are there areas of my life where I know I am doing things contrary to the Word of God?  The Bible is God's word.  All of it.  From the Ten Commandments to the Resurrection to the work of the Holy Spirit.  It all counts.  What are your chances of living a life of obedience if you don't get into His word?   So find that Bible, blow the dust of it & dive in.  The rewards of living a life of obedience will overwhelm you.

Father God I pray for a spirit of obedience.  Reveal to me Father those places in my life that just don't line up with your Word and show me how you would have me change those things about me.  I want to live a life worthy of being called "child of God".  Amen.

I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name. Isaiah 45:3.

God calls me by name. Me. Lori. The creator of the universe took the time to learn my name. To touch my life, my heart. To rescue me from the wrong path that I had chosen. To give me a new beginning. I am HIS treasure. Even on those days I don't feel worthy of being anyone's treasure. Where I see ashes - he sees beauty. Where I see failure - He sees a new beginning. Where I see hurt, pain and rejection - he sees healing.

He has treasures stored for me. Gifts tucked away just for me. As I travel this road and learn who I am and who HE is..........there are gifts along the way. These are treasures he has tucked away just for me. Treasures to be opened and cherished and tucked away inside my heart and then pulled out again and admired.

I wish I could show the world the heart I used to have - full of holes, dirty, thrown away. It looked like one of the rags that disappears out in the garage with my husband never to be allowed back in the house. My old heart had so many holes in it that the wind could just blow through it. I was empty.

Then I would show them the heart I have today. A thing of beauty. There are still some spots here and there, a blemish or two but I know he'll take care of those too. I just have to continue to seek his presence. Look to him to lead me. Follow his example. Do the work he has set in front of me. I need to continue to work on me....HE has promised to make me over in HIS image if I do.

I'm ready. I'm on the diving board. Ready to change and be changed. I know He will catch me. That doesn't make it any less scary when your out there at the edge of the diving board alone. And alone is how you need to stand there.

I'm ready to begin this treasure hunt. I'm ready to discovery the one who made me. Ready to go deeper in His love. Ready to be consumed by His fire.