So I spent last weekend on a mountain with a group of ladies I love. But I didn't want to go. I told myself it was because I don't fit in with them. The heart and direction of their ministry often times seems so contrary to mine. I am more at home in a homeless shelter, or a jail, or an inner city poverty stricken church than I am at a woman's conference or most women's ministry events. Why? I don't know - it's just the way I'm made. I was soon to discover that that whole "feeling like I don't fit in thing" was not based in truth at all.
It didn't take that long after I arrived for God to show me the lie. It had nothing to do with not fitting in and everything to do with some hurts I had been carrying. The surprising part of the whole thing to me was that these were hurts that I knew I had and thought I had been dealing with.
You see, I serve in a couple of ministries where I am there to serve. Its not my ministry. I love the vision and the heart of the women I serve under. I trust their vision. I believe in their vision & I follow the vision. But I also know it's not mine. God has not given these ministries to me. But there are those God has entrusted into my hands. The visions are visions I have birthed. I have suffered through the birth pangs and the growing pains. I have poured all I have into these ministries. I love those I minister to.
Which is why when one of my "babies", my ministries comes under criticism it cuts deeply. Comments like "can't you control those kids?" or "I don't know why they won't behave for you I have no problem with them" cut to the quick. I have been rather appalled at some of the things that people will say to you when you are the head of a ministry. Things they would never say to a friend or a family member or even a "sister in the Lord" they will freely say in the spirit of "helping".
But it's not about them. It's about me. Why do I let these words leave the wounds that they do? Am I in ministry to please them or to please my God? Why is it after one of these encounters I walk away feeling like I am failing? Because deep down inside there is a place of old lies.........whose roots go down deep..........where words like "failure" and "unworthy" reside. Oh progress has been made. There are whole patches of ground now where the soil is a mess from the roots of these lies being chopped and wripped out. But as God has shown me there are spots here and there where the lies of the Enemy still find fertile soil. Areas of my heart that need to be refined and purified and those roots torn out. It is painful when you rip a root out. It reopens wounds and allows fresh blood to flow. But where the flow of blood used to mean only that there is pain. Tody it is the blood of healing that flows.
This past weekend those words of criticism were the very tool that God used to unveil the lies. The roots that had grown down deep and were way below the surface just waiting for the right words to fall. He exposed them one by one. I spent the weekend not just being superficially "pruned" but in absolute agony as deep roots were torn out and cast into the fire. God has planted me where I am for a reason. He has given me a new root system. But in order for my new roots to reach the fertile soil he has prepared I must give up my dependence on the old root system. Those old roots will prevent new growth. They will not allow my new roots to spread and will limit new growth. When I look at a tree all I see is what is above the ground. But underneath the ground the root system of that tree can spread hundred and hundreds of feet away. All those old twisted roots must be torn out so that my new roots can spread wide and far. Only if my roots can spread will I be able to claim new territory and new areas of influence.
One of the areas I needed to heal in involved my worship. I was up against the fence with my worship. Do I change the way I worship to please man or do I worship to please God? I spent Saturday morning on my face crying out to God asking if my worship pleased Him. I was face down on the floor with my hands out in front of me. I felt the slightest pressure in my hand and looked at the palm of my hand to see something glistening. At first I thought it was gold dust, then maybe oil. I didn't really dare to touch it or move because I was afraid it would go away. It didn't. It stayed. So I saved it in a plastic bag and then transferred it to an envelope. It wasn't oil. It looked like micah (sp?). Like flakes of glass or plastic..............or like the scales that fall from the eys of the blind. You see, I was blind. I was spiritualy blind. I am in the places I am in for a reason. It may not be to receive ministry but rather because there is something God has deposited in me that other people need. They may not know it. They may not even want it. That's between them and God. You see I love the broken, the prisoners, the drug addicts, the children society has forgotten about. I have a harder time ministering to the pretty people. The ones who don't need Jesus the way "my people" do. But they need me. I'm not saying that to sound full of myself or prideful but because that is what God has told me.
I spent my entire weekend finding scales. On the carpet during worship. In my room. In the spa at the place where we were staying. And every time I found one I heard God say "I am well please with you". "Your worship pleases me". "You are worthy". "You are my daughter". He spoke the words "Refiner's Fire" over me.
God pried out the roots of the Enemy and healed my heart. Then he spoke to me. I have healed you so that you can open blind eyes. I am giving you a ministry of healing blind eyes. Starting with my own. Forgive me Father for my blindness. I want to see as you see. Use me Lord. Open my blind eyes and use me to heal the blind eyes of those of the world.
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