Have you ever wondered if you will ever fully heal from some of the hurts you carry? I've been in just such a place today.
My day started off well. A good night's sleep. Got up and went to the promises meeting followed by breakfast with my husband. & then the phone rang. It was my father. Before we were much past "hello" I felt like I was under attack as he poked and prodded and criticized me, my children, some of the parenting decisions I have made. With comments sprinkled in like well your brother does this and your nephews doing that. & by the end of the conversation I am back in that place where I feel like a supreme "less than".
And the rest of the day I spent trying to figure out why I give my father the power to lead me back into this place. It's not like I don't expect it. I have spent my entire life feeling judged and criticized and like I didn't measure up in my father's eyes. These feelings have led me to behaviors in the past that have caused me even more pain. If there has ever been a time in my life that my father felt anything like pride toward me I am not aware of it. And yet I know in my heart of hearts that my father is doing the best that he can. He doesn't know how to love. He probably never felt anything from his father other than judgment and criticism. We sow what we know.
And then there is the relationship I have with my heavenly father. That relationship too has been affected. Am I truly "good" enough "worthy" enough to be loved by the maker of all creation. I have asked God this question again and again and again and everytime his answer has been a resounding "yes".
So ultimately I find myself in this place. Am I going to carry this hurt forever? Will I ever be truly free from the ghost of my past called "not enough"? You see. I believe today I have a choice. I can stay crippled by this hurt or I can use it to move forward. I can recognize the fact that my father is not capable of loving me the way I long to be loved. But my heavenly father is. I can take my pain and run into my true father's loving arms. I can be at home in His arms. I can be safe in His arms. I can be loved in His arms. I can be the daughter of the Most High King and I can seek His approval and his acceptance & in his arms I will find it there.
And I can learn to take care of me. I don't have to stay on the phone and listen to the judgment and criticism. I can excuse myself and get off the phone. I can choose today to surround myself with people who love me for me. I can get in the very presence of the One who Always Loves Me. I can set boundaries with those people in my life who can't seem to accept me as I am. Because I am me & I am okay. Just for today. I can acknowledge the hurt and the loss that I feel as far as my relationship with my natural father goes but I don't have to live there anymore.
And from a place of love (and not hurt) I can start to take care of myself.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
A New Generation
S: Judges 2:10 - After that whole generation had been gathered to their fathers, another generation grew up who knew neither the LORD nor what he had done for Israel.
O: The Israelites were not faithful and did not teach their children of all that the Lord had done for them.
A: How faithful is our generation? Do my children know all the Lord has done for me? Have I taught them well? Do they understand why my relationship with God is so important to me? How important is it to them? It's never too late. Tell your story to your children. Tell them how important it was when you were down and out and ready to give up hope and that bible verse or childhood song (in my case Jesus loves me) was the only thing you had to cling to. I look around me and I see a faithless generation rising up behind me and there is noone to blame but myself.
P: Father God forgive me for like the Israelites I have failed to tell my story; to instill in my children and all those children around me how important my relationship with you is to me. God give me your heart and your vision and your words to pour into all the generations behind me that we may never forget all that God has done.
O: The Israelites were not faithful and did not teach their children of all that the Lord had done for them.
A: How faithful is our generation? Do my children know all the Lord has done for me? Have I taught them well? Do they understand why my relationship with God is so important to me? How important is it to them? It's never too late. Tell your story to your children. Tell them how important it was when you were down and out and ready to give up hope and that bible verse or childhood song (in my case Jesus loves me) was the only thing you had to cling to. I look around me and I see a faithless generation rising up behind me and there is noone to blame but myself.
P: Father God forgive me for like the Israelites I have failed to tell my story; to instill in my children and all those children around me how important my relationship with you is to me. God give me your heart and your vision and your words to pour into all the generations behind me that we may never forget all that God has done.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
RUN LIKE YOU'VE GOT PLACES TO GO
Saturday March 24, 2012 – Joshua 18-20; 1 Cor 9.
S: 1 Corinthians 9:24-26. Do you not know that in a race all the
runners compete, but only one receives the prize? So run your race that you may lay hold of the
prize and make it yours. Now every
athlete who goes into training conducts himself temperately and restricts
himself in all things. They do it to win
a wreath that will wither but we do it to receive a crown of eternal
blessedness that cannot wither.
Therefore, I do not run uncertainly (without definite aim); I do not box
like one beating the air and striking without an adversary.
O: Paul is comparing
our walks of faith to a race and urging us to run as thought we want to win the
race.
A: We have a
purpose. We have a focus. Those things we need to surrender or deny
ourselves today will free us to run our race well. The prize is eternity with Jesus. There is nothing on this earth that compares
to what our prize will be! We need to
run our race with purpose and focus. I
knew someone who was an amazing athlete.
He was always training, always restricting and honing what foods he ate
and what he put into his body. His body
was like a fine-tuned piece of machinery but he never actually raced. He was so lost in the training that he never actually
ran the race. I don’t want to be a
spectator on the sidelines or the person who trains so much they never actually
run the race. God has called me to be in
the race. There are lessons to learn along
the way and at times my race may look like a limp or a crawl rather than a
sprint. But God has called me to be IN
THE RACE. Not a spectator. He has not called me to run perfectly. I will learn things along the way. I don’t need to learn them all before I join
the race. I must keep my eyes on my
prize – JESUS. If I take my eyes off my
prize and focus on all the other runners my pace will slow and I will become
distracted and off-course. I must run
with purpose. I must run like I’ve got somewhere to go.
P: Father God forgive
me for al the times I have taken my eyes off you – my prize. Lord teach me to fasten my eyes on you each
day and run toward you with everything I’ve got in me. I will fall Lord but I know you will pick me
up, dust me off and urge me to keep on running.
I’ve got places to go in you and with you. Amen.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Giving my Best
A lesson worth learning.
2012 is off to an amazing start. God has really been doing something in me this year. Slowing me down, refining me, redirecting me and challenging me. & it's only March!
Slowing Down. I like to be busy. I've never been a sit still for long person. Physically, because of some health stuff going on, I've been slowed down this year. It's all good though. The tests have all been done and although it means a change in my lifestyle it is not something that will take me out of the race. During this period of having to slow down physically I have noticed a few things about myself.
1. I use busy to not have to deal with what's going on in my life.
2. I am doing things I don't particularly like to do.
3. I can keep God out when I'm too busy.
Solution: I have been forced to slow down. I am dealing with my life today - on life's terms. I am learning to say no to those things I don't like to do. & you know what I am learning. When I say no to those things it gives people who love to do those things an opportunity to step up and do them. Most importantly, I am letting God deeper into my life into new areas and he's rocking my world in the process. I am learning so much about me, more about my past and some tendencies I have from my childhood that still affect my relationships with people today. Good-bye denial; Hello recovery!
Refining & Redirecting.
It can be a painful process sometimes to let go of the stuff in your life. Even the stuff that isn't bringing out your best anymore. I have wept many tears over some of the things I am beginning the process of letting go of. My love for those things hasn't changed but God is in the process of releasing me and turning me in a new direction. This has actually enabled me to look at some of the ministries I'm involved in and focus in on where my talent and abilities are and start handing out the rest of it to other people and just letting them handle it. & you know what I am learning? They do it better than I do because they are excited about it. God is so amazing! My letting go releases opportunities for others! I am giving God my best not when I try to do it all but when I stick to what I'm good at and give others the opportunity to use their talents and abilities! I can apply this same principle to every single area of my life.
The Challenge.
I have been surrounded this year with people who are broken and hurting and are hurting eachother because of their brokenness. It's hard to watch. Even harder when it's going on inside the church. We are supposed to be walking, talking Gospels for a lost and hurting world and yet I wonder if the world sees any difference between it and the church these days. It's easy to be discouraged. To want to give up. But every time I get a little discouraged God has been telling me ....you show them. You show them the way. Show them how to love, how to forgive, how to find healing. Be the change. Be my light. Lead those who are leading. & yet who am I? Another broken human being. Lord, be my strength and my courage as I try to lead the way you would have me lead. By example. By releasing others to do what they can. Help me Lord!
2012 is off to an amazing start. God has really been doing something in me this year. Slowing me down, refining me, redirecting me and challenging me. & it's only March!
Slowing Down. I like to be busy. I've never been a sit still for long person. Physically, because of some health stuff going on, I've been slowed down this year. It's all good though. The tests have all been done and although it means a change in my lifestyle it is not something that will take me out of the race. During this period of having to slow down physically I have noticed a few things about myself.
1. I use busy to not have to deal with what's going on in my life.
2. I am doing things I don't particularly like to do.
3. I can keep God out when I'm too busy.
Solution: I have been forced to slow down. I am dealing with my life today - on life's terms. I am learning to say no to those things I don't like to do. & you know what I am learning. When I say no to those things it gives people who love to do those things an opportunity to step up and do them. Most importantly, I am letting God deeper into my life into new areas and he's rocking my world in the process. I am learning so much about me, more about my past and some tendencies I have from my childhood that still affect my relationships with people today. Good-bye denial; Hello recovery!
Refining & Redirecting.
It can be a painful process sometimes to let go of the stuff in your life. Even the stuff that isn't bringing out your best anymore. I have wept many tears over some of the things I am beginning the process of letting go of. My love for those things hasn't changed but God is in the process of releasing me and turning me in a new direction. This has actually enabled me to look at some of the ministries I'm involved in and focus in on where my talent and abilities are and start handing out the rest of it to other people and just letting them handle it. & you know what I am learning? They do it better than I do because they are excited about it. God is so amazing! My letting go releases opportunities for others! I am giving God my best not when I try to do it all but when I stick to what I'm good at and give others the opportunity to use their talents and abilities! I can apply this same principle to every single area of my life.
The Challenge.
I have been surrounded this year with people who are broken and hurting and are hurting eachother because of their brokenness. It's hard to watch. Even harder when it's going on inside the church. We are supposed to be walking, talking Gospels for a lost and hurting world and yet I wonder if the world sees any difference between it and the church these days. It's easy to be discouraged. To want to give up. But every time I get a little discouraged God has been telling me ....you show them. You show them the way. Show them how to love, how to forgive, how to find healing. Be the change. Be my light. Lead those who are leading. & yet who am I? Another broken human being. Lord, be my strength and my courage as I try to lead the way you would have me lead. By example. By releasing others to do what they can. Help me Lord!
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Dare to Dream
Numbers 27:1-11:
1THEN CAME the daughters of Zelophehad son of Hepher, the son of Gilead, the son of Machir, the son of Manasseh, from the families of Manasseh son of Joseph. The names of his daughters: Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Tirzah.
2They stood before Moses, Eleazar the priest, and the leaders, and all the congregation at the door of the Tent of Meeting, saying,
3Our father died in the wilderness. He was not among those who assembled together against the Lord in the company of Korah, but died for his own sin [as did all those who rebelled at Kadesh], and he had no sons.
4Why should the name of our father be removed from his family because he had no son? Give to us a possession among our father's brethren.
5Moses brought their case before the Lord.
6And the Lord said to Moses,
7The daughters of Zelophehad are justified and speak correctly. You shall surely give them an inheritance among their father's brethren, and you shall cause their father's inheritance to pass to them.
8And say to the Israelites, If a man dies and has no son, you shall cause his inheritance to pass to his daughter.
9If he has no daughter, you shall give his inheritance to his brethren.
10If he has no brethren, give his inheritance to his father's brethren.
11And if his father has no brethren, then give his inheritance to his next of kin, and he shall possess it. It shall be to the Israelites a statute and ordinance, as the Lord commanded Moses
I've read this story many times but this time God grabbed hold of my heart and over the course of several days has revealed several things to me which I want to share lest I forget :)
1. These daughters found their voice. They lived in a time in which they had no rights. Yet they had the COURAGE to use their circumstances to uncover the voice God had given them. God has given each of us a voice. Our voices can change the world, can change our circumstances or lend themselves to someone else and their struggles. These daughters lived in a time when only sons were "valued" and inheritances only passed from father to sons yet they asked. These women could have cast out of the community or killed. They had lived through that time when the Israelites were wandering in the wilderness. They had seen people die by plagues or disappear into the ground because they displeased the Lord. These daughters, who are not even given a name, knew that there could be a cost to finding their voice yet they sought their voice anyway.
2. They asked. They did not demand or whine or try to manipulate their circmstances. They were respectful in their request. The manner in which they approached Moses more than likely had everything to do with his willingness to listen and consider their requests. I spend a lot of my time with women who are broken and hurting and I have observed their attempts to get what they want. I have seen women whine, demand, manipulate, attack and threaten. I have seen them cry, beg and lie. It is heart breaking to watch........because all they have to do is ask. So many times as my heart breaks for their pain and their circumstances and their brokenness I can't help but wonder how my Father in heaven's heart must be breaking too.
3. They did not ask because they desired material possessions or a better position but because the desire of their heart was for their father's life to not pass in vain. They wanted to preserve their father's legacy. Their cause had merit. They had pure motives. Remember that man only sees what goes on on the outside but God sees the heart. How many times have I asked for something not because I really wanted "it" but because I wanted a thing or power or position? I see this in the world all the time and unfortunately it has made its way into our churches. People serving not because their heart is to serve but because they want popularity, power or posessions. Daughters this is not the example to a broken and hurting world that God has called us to be.
4. They revealed a deep desire of their own heart in asking. There was risk involved. Moses was not required to even consider their request - they were women with no standing. Perhaps it was the very fact that they took a risk and revealed the desires of their heart that stirred something in Moses to hear what they had to say.
God sees the desires of our hearts whether they are spoken or unspoken. It is his heart to grant those desires just as it is the heart of any parent to give their child good things. So many of us have walls all around our hearts to keep out the hurts inflicted by a hurting world. Hurt people hurt people. What we forget is that these same walls keep God out too. We as women have spent far too much time tearing eachother down with gossip and judgment and just plain ol' mean than we have building eachother up and helping eachother step into our identity as Daughters of the Most High King.
5. These daughters walked in their positions as daughters. They knew the love of a father. They knew that a father's heart was to give his children good things - in death as in life. They did not use their opportunity to try to advance their position. They did not need to. They knew who they were and were content to be Mr. Z's daughters. They did not ask for power or the ability to be counted and heard as men but only to receive what was already theirs. I am the Daughter of the Most High God. What other position do I need? What material possession gets any better than that? I need to learn to just be a DAUGHTER.
6. They respected the authority over them and did not try to circumvent it. They sought out Moses and asked. Moses in turn sought the direction from the Lord who granted their request because it was right to do so. Because they knew they were DAUGHTERS they didn't need to go behind someone's back or circumvent the authority over them. It had nothing to do with position & yet everything to do with position. THEY DIDN'T NEED POSITION BECAUSE THEY ALREAD HAD IT.
Galatians 1:10 - Now am I trying to win the favor of men or of God? Do I seek to please men? If I were still seeking popularity with men, I should not be a bond servant of Christ.
These daughters were not seeking the favor of anyone but their father. This was scandalous behavior for these times. They risked it all. And they asked.
What is holding you back from asking God for what is yours? for what he has for you? Right now would you just ask God to unleash the dream that he placed inside of you? Will you ask him to multiply your ministry, your boundaries your influence, to reach an entire city?
1THEN CAME the daughters of Zelophehad son of Hepher, the son of Gilead, the son of Machir, the son of Manasseh, from the families of Manasseh son of Joseph. The names of his daughters: Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Tirzah.
2They stood before Moses, Eleazar the priest, and the leaders, and all the congregation at the door of the Tent of Meeting, saying,
3Our father died in the wilderness. He was not among those who assembled together against the Lord in the company of Korah, but died for his own sin [as did all those who rebelled at Kadesh], and he had no sons.
4Why should the name of our father be removed from his family because he had no son? Give to us a possession among our father's brethren.
5Moses brought their case before the Lord.
6And the Lord said to Moses,
7The daughters of Zelophehad are justified and speak correctly. You shall surely give them an inheritance among their father's brethren, and you shall cause their father's inheritance to pass to them.
8And say to the Israelites, If a man dies and has no son, you shall cause his inheritance to pass to his daughter.
9If he has no daughter, you shall give his inheritance to his brethren.
10If he has no brethren, give his inheritance to his father's brethren.
11And if his father has no brethren, then give his inheritance to his next of kin, and he shall possess it. It shall be to the Israelites a statute and ordinance, as the Lord commanded Moses
I've read this story many times but this time God grabbed hold of my heart and over the course of several days has revealed several things to me which I want to share lest I forget :)
1. These daughters found their voice. They lived in a time in which they had no rights. Yet they had the COURAGE to use their circumstances to uncover the voice God had given them. God has given each of us a voice. Our voices can change the world, can change our circumstances or lend themselves to someone else and their struggles. These daughters lived in a time when only sons were "valued" and inheritances only passed from father to sons yet they asked. These women could have cast out of the community or killed. They had lived through that time when the Israelites were wandering in the wilderness. They had seen people die by plagues or disappear into the ground because they displeased the Lord. These daughters, who are not even given a name, knew that there could be a cost to finding their voice yet they sought their voice anyway.
2. They asked. They did not demand or whine or try to manipulate their circmstances. They were respectful in their request. The manner in which they approached Moses more than likely had everything to do with his willingness to listen and consider their requests. I spend a lot of my time with women who are broken and hurting and I have observed their attempts to get what they want. I have seen women whine, demand, manipulate, attack and threaten. I have seen them cry, beg and lie. It is heart breaking to watch........because all they have to do is ask. So many times as my heart breaks for their pain and their circumstances and their brokenness I can't help but wonder how my Father in heaven's heart must be breaking too.
3. They did not ask because they desired material possessions or a better position but because the desire of their heart was for their father's life to not pass in vain. They wanted to preserve their father's legacy. Their cause had merit. They had pure motives. Remember that man only sees what goes on on the outside but God sees the heart. How many times have I asked for something not because I really wanted "it" but because I wanted a thing or power or position? I see this in the world all the time and unfortunately it has made its way into our churches. People serving not because their heart is to serve but because they want popularity, power or posessions. Daughters this is not the example to a broken and hurting world that God has called us to be.
4. They revealed a deep desire of their own heart in asking. There was risk involved. Moses was not required to even consider their request - they were women with no standing. Perhaps it was the very fact that they took a risk and revealed the desires of their heart that stirred something in Moses to hear what they had to say.
God sees the desires of our hearts whether they are spoken or unspoken. It is his heart to grant those desires just as it is the heart of any parent to give their child good things. So many of us have walls all around our hearts to keep out the hurts inflicted by a hurting world. Hurt people hurt people. What we forget is that these same walls keep God out too. We as women have spent far too much time tearing eachother down with gossip and judgment and just plain ol' mean than we have building eachother up and helping eachother step into our identity as Daughters of the Most High King.
5. These daughters walked in their positions as daughters. They knew the love of a father. They knew that a father's heart was to give his children good things - in death as in life. They did not use their opportunity to try to advance their position. They did not need to. They knew who they were and were content to be Mr. Z's daughters. They did not ask for power or the ability to be counted and heard as men but only to receive what was already theirs. I am the Daughter of the Most High God. What other position do I need? What material possession gets any better than that? I need to learn to just be a DAUGHTER.
6. They respected the authority over them and did not try to circumvent it. They sought out Moses and asked. Moses in turn sought the direction from the Lord who granted their request because it was right to do so. Because they knew they were DAUGHTERS they didn't need to go behind someone's back or circumvent the authority over them. It had nothing to do with position & yet everything to do with position. THEY DIDN'T NEED POSITION BECAUSE THEY ALREAD HAD IT.
Galatians 1:10 - Now am I trying to win the favor of men or of God? Do I seek to please men? If I were still seeking popularity with men, I should not be a bond servant of Christ.
These daughters were not seeking the favor of anyone but their father. This was scandalous behavior for these times. They risked it all. And they asked.
What is holding you back from asking God for what is yours? for what he has for you? Right now would you just ask God to unleash the dream that he placed inside of you? Will you ask him to multiply your ministry, your boundaries your influence, to reach an entire city?
Acts 20:24
Amplified Bible (AMP)
24But none of these things move me; neither do I esteem my life dear to myself, if only I may finish my course with joy and the ministry which I have obtained from [which was entrusted to me by] the Lord Jesus, faithfully to attest to the good news (Gospel) of God's grace (His unmerited favor, spiritual blessing, and mercy).
What has God called you to be? to do? You are his daughter. He calls you "child". Will you be what God has called you to be? Will you stop tripping up your sisters and letting them trip you up? What is stopping you?
What is stopping you from dreaming big dreams? Is it the cost? Their is no cost higher than what has been paid by Jesus. Are you willing to stand to your feet and say "I want a dream". Are you willing to use your voice to pursue the dream God has for you?
Are you ready to change your world? To make a difference? To leave a legacy for your children to claim?
Mr. Z's daughters had a dream and they pursued it. They lent their voices to their dream and God offered them the desires of their hearts. Why not you?
Blessings!
What has God called you to be? to do? You are his daughter. He calls you "child". Will you be what God has called you to be? Will you stop tripping up your sisters and letting them trip you up? What is stopping you?
What is stopping you from dreaming big dreams? Is it the cost? Their is no cost higher than what has been paid by Jesus. Are you willing to stand to your feet and say "I want a dream". Are you willing to use your voice to pursue the dream God has for you?
Are you ready to change your world? To make a difference? To leave a legacy for your children to claim?
Mr. Z's daughters had a dream and they pursued it. They lent their voices to their dream and God offered them the desires of their hearts. Why not you?
Blessings!
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