Old Hurts

Have you ever wondered if you will ever fully heal from some of the hurts you carry?  I've been in just such a place today. 

My day started off well.  A good night's sleep.  Got up and went to the promises meeting followed by breakfast with my husband.  & then the phone rang.  It was my father.  Before we were much past "hello" I felt like I was under attack as he poked and prodded and criticized me, my children, some of the parenting decisions I have made.  With comments sprinkled in like well your brother does this and your nephews doing that.  & by the end of the conversation I am back in that place where I feel like a supreme "less than".

And the rest of the day I spent trying to figure out why I give my father the power to lead me back into this place.  It's not like I don't expect it.  I have spent my entire life feeling judged and criticized and like I didn't measure up in my father's eyes.   These feelings have led me to behaviors in the past that have caused me even more pain.   If there has ever been a time in my life that my father felt anything like pride toward me I am not aware of it.  And yet I know in my heart of hearts that my father is doing the best that he can.  He doesn't know how to love.  He probably never felt anything from his father other than judgment and criticism.  We sow what we know.

And then there is the relationship I have with my heavenly father.  That relationship too has been affected.  Am I truly "good" enough "worthy" enough to be loved by the maker of all creation.  I have asked God this question again and again and again and everytime his answer has been a resounding "yes".

So ultimately I find myself in this place.  Am I going to carry this hurt forever?  Will I ever be truly free from the ghost of my past called "not enough"?  You see.  I believe today I have a choice.  I can stay crippled by this hurt or I can use it to move forward.  I can recognize the fact that my father is not capable of loving me the way I long to be loved.  But my heavenly father is.  I can take my pain and run into my true father's loving arms.  I can be at home in His arms.  I can be safe in His arms.   I can be loved in His arms.  I can be the daughter of the Most High King and I can seek His approval and his acceptance & in his arms I will find it there.

And I can learn to take care of me.  I don't have to stay on the phone and listen to the judgment and criticism.  I can excuse myself and get off the phone.  I can choose today to surround myself with people who love me for me. I can get in the very presence of the One who Always Loves Me.  I can set boundaries with those people in my life who can't seem to accept me as I am.  Because I am me & I am okay.  Just for today.  I can acknowledge the hurt and the loss that I feel as far as my relationship with my natural father goes but I don't have to live there anymore. 

And from a place of love (and not hurt) I can start to take care of myself.