Leading with my Emotions..............

I sat down this morning and read Matthew 14 to 16. 

It contains one of my favorite stories.......of Jesus walking across the sea to his disciples & Peter taking a giant leap of faith and stepping over the side of the boat and walking with Jesus.  I can so see myself as Peter begging Jesus to let me try it.  But this morning when I read it these things jumped out at me:

1.  The "boisterous" winds.  Matthew 14:30 - But when he saw that the wind was boisterous he was afraid and beginning to sink he cried out saying "Lord save me".  When Peter asked Jesus to let him try walking on the water Peter wasn't paying any attention to the winds.  He was only focused on what Jesus was doing.   & when he stood with one foot on the water and one safely in the boat..........he wasn't noticing wind.......he was only looking at Jesus.  It was only after he had entirely left the safety of the boat and actually taken a couple steps..........that he took his eyes off Jesus and noticed the boisterous winds. 

2.  Jesus felt emotion.  When Jesus and his disciples arrived at the tomb that held Lazarus "Jesus wept".  Jesus knew Lazarus was only temporarily dead.  He knew that he could bring Lazarus back to life.  Yet he wept.  At the feeding of the 5,000 and again at the feeding of the 4,000 Jesus had compassion on the crowds.  Emotions are God-given.  Women were created to be nurturers.  We raise children.  We build up our husbands.  We cry.  We laugh.  I believe that woman carries God's heart.

3.  Our emotions can be like boisterous winds.  In order for me to focus on what I am feeling right now my focus has to be on me.  If someone says something and it hurts my feelings it's because I'm focused on me & my feelings.  I can find forgiveness for that person when the focus comes off me and goes first to Jesus and t hen back to the other person involved.  I can be moved to tears and feel great compassion for someone without letting my feelings overwhelm me?  Why?  Because the focus isn't on me.

4.  Passionate Leadership.  I am a passionate person.  I have a passion for the things of Jesus and I love nothing more than sharing Jesus with those God puts in my path.  Just like Peter when my gaze is on the face of Jesus I will always find the courage to set that foot outside of the safety of the boat.  I will take the risk.  I will take those first few steps.  I love taking a risk for Jesus!   Doubt will only creep in if I tear my eyes from the face of Jesus and put them on my circumstances.  Just like when I focus on my feelings insted of Jesus.....I open myself up to  believe the lies of the Enemy  Jesus had emotions.  He showed them openly.  But HIS FOCUS NEVER WAVERED FROM HIS FATHER.  When I start focusing on my feelings; on past hurts; on criticism I waver.........I start to sink and then along come those boisterous winds

God has made me to be passionate.  That is one of my greatest strenghts & greatest weaknesses.  It means I am passionate about what I do...........it also means I'm wide open to the hurt that comes along with taking that risk. 

I'm on a journey.  Not to stop leading with my heart, with my passion.  My passion and my heart are God-given and they are precious.  My journey is to learn to lead  with all that I've got and with my eyes never wavering from the face of my Jesus. 

Oh how I love my Jesus.

 2 Corinthians 2:9 – For to this end I also wrote that I might put you to the test, whether you are obedient in all things.

Am I obedient to God in ALL things?  Nope.  I get a big ol FAIL on that one.  There is still one area of my life I struggle to surrender to God – my addiction to food.  I have abused my “temple” to the point that it is affecting my health.  It is affecting my emotional health as well – along with all the excess weight comes a huge struggle with self image.  This leaves me wide open to the lies of the Enemy.  This is one of the roots I must tear out.  I have worked so hard to lose weight in the past only to fail.  Again and again and again.  Perfect ground for those lies – I’m just made this way – Nope I have pictures of me back in the day that prove this lie isn’t true. 

But whether I believe the lies or not there is still the issue of obedience.  I am not being obedient to God in ALL things if I continue to overeat and abuse my body.  If I want to live my life completely sold out to Jesus than I must completely surrender.  I can’t handle my food addiction on my own.  It’s embarrassing to admit that I struggle in this area – why I don’t know.  Anyone who looks at me knows.  So I find myself once again facing yet another surrender.  One more step towards being in the will of God.

Truth is I’m scared.  Which is why I’m putting this right out there.  Because I need to be held accountable for what I am putting in my mouth – the way I am treating my body.  I cannot be an effective witness for Christ if I am carrying self loathing and actively practicing an addiction.

Father God you are bigger than any addiction I may have.  I know this.  You have set me free from an alcohol and drug addiction that almost killed me on multiple occasions.  I need your freedom once again Lord.  I can’t do this anymore.  I surrender.  I want to be obedient to you in ALL things – in every area of my life.  Help me Lord.  I can’t do this alone.  Amen.

Blind Eyes Open

So I spent last weekend on a mountain with a group of ladies I love.  But I didn't want to go.  I told myself it was because I don't fit in with them.    The heart and direction of their ministry often times seems so contrary to mine.  I am more at home in a homeless shelter, or a jail, or an inner city poverty stricken church than I am at a woman's conference or most women's ministry events.  Why?  I don't know - it's just the way I'm made.    I was soon to discover that that whole "feeling like I don't fit in thing" was not based in truth at all. 

It didn't take that long after I arrived for God to show me the lie.  It had nothing to do with not fitting in and everything to do with some hurts I had been carrying.  The surprising part of the whole thing to me was that these were hurts that I knew I had and thought I had been dealing with. 

You see, I serve in a couple of ministries where I am there to serve.  Its not my ministry.  I love the vision and the heart of the women I serve under.  I trust their vision.  I believe in their vision & I follow the vision.  But I also know it's not mine.  God has not given these ministries to me.  But there are those God has entrusted into my hands.  The visions are visions I have birthed.  I have suffered through the birth pangs and the growing pains.  I have poured all I have into these ministries.   I love those I minister to. 

Which is why when one of my "babies", my ministries comes under criticism it cuts deeply.  Comments like "can't you control those kids?" or "I don't know why they won't behave for you I have no problem with them" cut to the quick.  I have been rather appalled at some of the things that people will say to you when you are the head of a ministry.  Things they would never say to a friend or a family member or even a "sister in the Lord" they will freely say in the spirit of  "helping".  

But it's not about them.  It's about me.  Why do I let these words leave the wounds that they do?  Am I in ministry to please them or to please my God?   Why is it after one of these encounters I walk away feeling like I am failing?   Because deep down inside there is a place of old lies.........whose roots go down deep..........where words like "failure" and "unworthy" reside.   Oh progress has been made.  There are whole patches of ground now where the soil is a mess from the roots of these lies being chopped and wripped out.  But as God has shown me there are spots here and there where the lies of the Enemy still find fertile soil.  Areas of my heart that need to be refined and purified and those roots torn out.  It is painful when you rip a root out.  It reopens wounds and allows fresh blood to flow.  But where the flow of blood used to mean only that there is pain.  Tody it is the blood of healing that flows. 

This past weekend those words of criticism were the very tool that God used to unveil the lies.  The roots that had grown down deep and were way below the surface just waiting for the right words to fall.  He exposed them one by one.  I spent the weekend not just being superficially "pruned" but in absolute agony as deep roots were torn out and cast into the fire.  God has planted me where I am for a reason.  He has given me a new root system.  But in order for my new roots to reach the fertile soil he has prepared I must give up my dependence on the old root system.  Those old roots will prevent new growth.  They will not allow my new roots to spread and will limit new growth. When I look at a tree all I see is what is above the ground.  But underneath the ground the root system of that tree can spread hundred and hundreds of feet away.  All those old twisted roots must be torn out so that my new roots can spread wide and far.   Only if my roots can spread will I be able to claim new territory and new areas of influence.

One of the areas I needed to heal in involved my worship.  I was up against the fence with my worship.  Do I change the way I worship to please man or do I worship to please God?  I spent Saturday morning on my face crying out to God asking if my worship pleased Him. I was face down on the floor with my hands out in front of me.  I felt the slightest pressure in my hand and looked at the palm of my hand to see something glistening.  At first I thought it was gold dust, then maybe oil.  I didn't really dare to touch it or move because I was afraid it would go away.  It didn't.  It stayed.   So I saved it in a plastic bag and then transferred it to an envelope.  It wasn't oil.  It looked like micah (sp?).  Like flakes of glass or plastic..............or like the scales that fall from the eys of the blind.  You see, I was blind.  I was spiritualy blind.  I am in the places I am in for a reason.  It may not be to receive ministry but rather because there is something God has deposited in me that other people need.  They may not know it.  They may not even want it.  That's between them and God.  You see I love the broken, the prisoners, the drug addicts, the children society has forgotten about. I have a harder time ministering to the pretty people.  The ones who don't need Jesus the way "my people" do.  But they need me.  I'm not saying that to sound full of myself or prideful but because that is what God has told me. 

I spent my entire weekend finding scales.  On the carpet during worship.  In my room.  In the spa at the place where we were staying.  And every time I found one I heard God say "I am well please with you".  "Your worship pleases me".  "You are worthy".  "You are my daughter".  He spoke the words "Refiner's Fire" over me.

God pried out the roots of the Enemy and healed my heart.  Then he spoke to me.  I have healed you so that you can open blind eyes.  I am giving you a ministry of healing blind eyes.  Starting with my own.  Forgive me Father for my blindness.  I want to see as you see.  Use me Lord.  Open my blind eyes and use me to heal the blind eyes of those of the world. 

Fearless

Nehemiah 6:9 - For they all were trying to make us afraid saying "Their hands will be weakened and it will not be done".  Now therefore O God strengthen my hands.

Fear is a funny thing.  Sometimes it seems that we have no control over it.  There are just some things we are afraid of.  Take me, for example, I am terrified of snakes.  Why?  Because when I was a kid my brothers chased me around the house with one and then hid and when I ran around the corner of the house they threw it at me and it wrapped itself around my neck.  Now I was in no danger.  It was just a big ol garden snake (okay it's big in my mind but it was probably tiny)  & it was probably way more afraid of me than I was of it.  But ever since that day when I see a snake I lose my breath.  Literally.  I feel like I can't breathe.  I can't move.  I just freeze up.  In all honesty it has gotten better so that last year when I was hiking I actually got close enough to one to take its picture.  But I was poised to run if I had to.

But doesn't this verse in Nehemiah give a perfect illustration of the intent of fear?  Fear purposes to stop us from what we are doing - from building that wall - our hands from working.  It's intent is to stop us in our tracks - to keep us from moving forward.

I've learned a lot about fear in my lifetime.  It's the one of the first emotions I remember feeling.  If fear is a feeling........   I covered up my fear by escaping into other worlds.  At first with barbies and books and later on with alcohol, drugs, unhealthy relationships, work, food..........the list goes on and on and on.  I covered up my fear with anger and rage.   I hid it well.  Until one day for no particular reason I couldn't move.  I couldn't breathe.  I was watching a hole open up in front of me in the middle of my living room floor and I knew if I fell into that hole I would never find my way out again.  No I wasn't having a nightmare.  I wasn't having a bad drug experience.  I was stone cold sober.  I was happily married.  I had three wonderful children.  No life wasn't always easy but it was good.

So where did this fear come from?  I didn't know.  I tried to figure it out.  Boy did I try!  I spent a long time trying to get to the bottom of my fear.  Until I just couldn't anymore.  Until I realized the more I focused on my fear the bigger, the stronger it became.  If I took my eyes off my fear and focused on God and what he could do my fear got smaller and smaller.  Until I realized I didn't need to know what caused my fear but I did need to know who my God is.

Later on at verse 13 it says "For this reason he was hired, that I should be afraid and act that way and sin that they might have cause for an evil report that they might reproach me".

Isn't that also a truth about fear?  It desperately wants to get us to stop the work we were called to do.  If the very presence of fear in our lives won't get us to stop our work - then another tactic is to try to get fear to lead us into sin.  After all if fear itself won't stop us.......guilt and shame might.

I don't know when my fear began to fade away but I think it happened right around the time I  decided that nothing was going to stop me from chasing after God.  No fear.  No person.  No place.  No thing.  No emotion.   If I had to take every step God asked of me afraid that's what I was going to do.  DO IT AFRAID would be my new motto.  I think it had something to do with coming to an understanding that God had conquered fear.  Living in fear was my choice.  I could claim God's promises over my life and be set free.

Nehemiah's answer to fear was "Strengthen my hands O Lord".  That's the clue.  We just keep on showing up and doing what's in front of us to be done.  That's all courageous people do.  Courageous people are just ordinary people who do what needs to be done in the face of very difficult circumstances.  Want to see the face of courage?  Look at Jesus.

Do I still experience fear?  Yes I do.  But today I choose to not let it cripple me; not let it stop my work.  I just do it afraid.  & I keep on doing.  I don't do anything.  I make a decision to not live in fear today and God does the rest.  Its a beautiful thing!

No Walls

Zechariah 2:3:  ..... and another angel was coming out to meet him.  Who said to him, "Run, Speak to this young man saying: "Jerusalem shall be inhabited as towns without walls, because of the multitude of men and livestock in it.  For I says the Lord "will be a wall of fire all around her and I will be the glory in her midst".

Walls were important in biblical times.  There were walls around the city to keep invaders and predators out.  They kept the inhabitants safe and secure.  They were fortresses which men defended from invading armies because if those walls were breached their families were vulnerable to attack. 

We may not have walls around our cities today but walls are still important.  Our homes have walls to keep us warm and protect us from the elements and to keep strangers out and loved ones in.  We don't think about walls today.  They're just there.  Holding the roof up; keeping the cold out.  We decorate them and hang pictures on them.

But what about our hearts?  Have we installed "spiritual walls" to keep invaders out?  To keep strangers out?  Are we keeping God out of certain areas of our hearts and lives?  Are we using our walls to limit what God can do in us and through us.  When I met God I was about as broken as a young woman can be.  I had been broken  and hurt beyond repair (or so I thought).  So I offered God a chance - to do what he could do with this trash heap.  But I didn't let him all the way in.  There were certain things that were just too painful for me to trust ANYONE with.  There were sections of my heart I boarded up and place a huge "Do Not Enter" sign on.  & God accepted that.  He honored that.  He never pushed.  He never forced his way in.  He just loved me just the way I was until little by little those walls began to crumble and fall.  And when the walls were gone and my deepest hurts were revealed he poured out his healing oil and made me whole.

What about our lives?  Are we spending all our time operating within the safety of our walls and not venturing outside?  What about our ministry?  Do we only serve where we are comfortable even though our heart swells with compassion for the broken lives we see every day?   Do we close our eyes or pretend not to see. Just like our hearts God will respect our free will to let him in or keep him out of our lives or just certain areas of our lives.  But God desires to be the wall of fire all around our lives and the glory in our midst.

What if we stopped vying for position within our church walls and just stepped outside and shared our story/the gospel with one person?  What if we mentored one lonely child or took someone down on their luck out for a cup of coffee?  Comfortable?  Not always.  What if we stopped criticizing our church leadership, our ministry heads and simply said "what can I do to help"?  What if we stopped being part of the problem and became the solution?  What if we stepped aside from doing things "we've always done" and gave someone else a chance?  What if we nurtured each other's giftings and abilities instead of judging one another?  

The Enemy would flee.  The prisoners would be set free!

God desires to be the wall of fire around our lives and the glory in our midst.  What if we stopped pretending and just got real? What if we truly got transparent - sharing our mistakes as well as our successes?  What if we showed people that we aren't perfect but we know the one who is?  The one who can take our mistakes and turn them into opportunity.    What if we truly loved one another as Jesus did? 

We would change the world around us. 

Father God I am sorry for all of the times I judge and criticize others.  Forgive me Lord for all the times I slip into being a part of the problem instead of the solution.  Search my heart and my life Lord.  Reveal to me any area I am not granting you access to.  I surrender each and every one of them to you.  Lord I want you to be the wall of fire around my life and the glory in my midst.  Invade me Lord Jesus.  Fill with your fire and let your glory shine brightly to all those around me.  May you receive all of the glory Lord Jesus.  I lay all of me before you, at your feet.  Mold me, shape me & light me on FIRE.  Just as your fire surrounds me Lord let me be the spark that will set someone else on fire.  Let your fire burn and your presence overwhelm me always.  Amen.

Blind Eyes

Luke 6:39 ...Can the Blind lead the Blind?  Will they not both fall into the ditch?

I see this in the world all the time.  Blind people leading blind people.  I'm not talking about physical blindness but spiritual blindness.  Look at our country, our state, our city.  Everywhere you look you see the results of the blind leading the blind.  Corruption.  Addiction.  Hunger.  Homelessness.  I'm not talking about a 3rd world country - I'm talking about my own.

I have come to the painful realization that I too am blind.  God has a purpose for certain  circumstances in my life and I have been blind to them.  Instead of  trying to "see" what God is doing my vision blurs and all I can focus on is me.  If I look at my life and all I can see is me.....I'm blind.  I have been in such a place recently.  My friend Vivian has been smacking me and saying to me "Open your blind eyes Momma Ida".  I would just look at her - not getting it at all.

You see I was dissatisfied with the ministries I was involved in; wondering why I was there because my heart and my vision seem so vastly different from those of  the ministry I am in.  I was feeling very much apart from and not a part of.  Why?  Because I was looking to this ministry to supply my needs instead of looking to see what I had that this ministry needed.   Vivian kept saying to me maybe you're not in these ministries to "fit it" but maybe God has placed you there to "be the change".  Geesh I'm starting to dislike those words. 

I am a believer in the saying "If you take the action, the feelings will follow.....".  In other words, I do not sit around waiting to feel like doing something - I just do it.  So I began to cry out to God asking him to open my blind eyes.  Nothing happened at first but as I began to turn my gaze from my life, my circumstances, the world around me and focus instead on the face of my Savior I began to feel the scales fall from my eyes.  I would like to report my eyes are completely open and my vision is clear but I cannot.  What I can say is that today I am aware I am blind and that my vision is beginning to clear.  I can see shadows of men where once there was only darkness.

God is doing something in me. I can feel it.  God is showing me that he has put things inside of me - desires, visions, a heart for the broken - for a reason.  I may not fully understand what his plan is but I can use what I have right now with whoever he puts in front of me. 

God has also been showing me that when he asks us to lead - we need to be careful that we are not leading others blindly.  If he has put me in a position to minister to others than I need to take that responsibility seriously.  There is nothing routine about ministry.  If my eyes are blind & I can't find my own way out of a cardboard box....how will I show someone else the way out?  I must seek God in everything I do.  I now pray for HIS vision.  The steps HE would have me take.  The words HE would have me speak.  God isn't blind.  He sees what I can't see.  He plans my every step.  He forms my words for me.  God is showing me that I must lead with not only passion but with purpose.  Not my purpose but HIS purpose.  I am accountable to God with the way I lead those around me; with the way I minister to those he gives me to minister to.  Woah, right?  I can't get too comfortable in my ministry and lose "sight" of  the awesome responsibility God has given me.  I know it's not about "me" anymore - it's about "Him" but I am responsible for what I do with what he has given me.

As a result, I am falling in love with people that a few months ago  I didn't even think about. I have been given new ministry opportunities and I haven't lifted a finger to search them out.  Things are happening all around me and all I have to do is continue to chase after God.  To seek Him.  To get in his presence and let him fill me.  Let Him wipe the cloudiness from my eyes.  Stay in his presence long enough for my vision to be restored.

Father God, I love you.  Please give me your eyes to see.  Heal me of my blindness Lord.  For I was blind but now I see.  Let me turn my gaze to you always.  All I desire  is to follow you and to see the world around me as you see it.  I desire to see the broken and the lonely healed and set free.  Lord open blind eyes all around me.  In my church, in my city, in my state, in my country.  Let "Blind Eyes Open" be the call of a turning from this world to YOUR WORD.  Let us rally around you, your truth, your EYES.    In Jesus name.  Amen.

Prayer for a Nation

LINCOLN’S PRAYER PROCLAMATION

In 1863, during the American Civil War, Abraham Lincoln called the nation to repentance, to confession of national sins, and to a turning back to God. In a world today caught up in confiict between nations and within nations, a similar call would bring more peace and prosperity than wars or treaties can provide.

A Proclamation for a National Day of Prayer

Whereas, the Senate of the United States, devoutly recognizing the supreme authority and just government of the Almighty God in all the affairs of men and of nations, has by a resolution requested the president to designate and set apart a day for national prayer and humiliation.

And whereas, it is the duty of nations as well as of men to own their dependence upon the overruling power of God: to confess their sins and transgressions in humble sorrow, yet with assured hope that genuine repentance will lead to mercy and pardon; and to recognize the sublime truth, announced in the Holy Scriptures and proven by all history, that those nations only are blessed whose God is the Lord:

And insomuch as we know that by His divine law nations, like individuals, are subjected to punishments and chastisements in this world, may we not justly fear that the awful calamity of civil war which now desolates the land may be but a punishment inflicted upon us for our presumptuous sins, to the needful end of our national reformation as a whole People? We have been the recipients of the choicest bounties of Heaven. We have been preserved, these many years, in peace and prosperity. We have grown in numbers, wealth, and power as no other nation has ever grown; but we have forgotten God. We have forgotten the gracious hand which preserved us in peace, and multiplied and enriched and strengthened us; and we have vainly imagined, in the deceitfulness of our hearts, that all these blessings were produced by some superior wisdom and virtue of our own. Intoxicated with unbroken success, we have become too self-sufficient to feel the necessity of redeeming and preserving grace, too proud to pray to the God who made us:

It behooves us then, to humble ourselves before the offended Power, to confess our national sins, and to pray for clemency and forgiveness:

All this being done in sincerity and truth, let us then rest humbly in the hope authorized by the divine teachings, that the united cry of the nation will be heard on high, and answered with blessings no less than the pardon of our national sins, and the restoration of our now divided and suffering country to its former happy condition of unity and peace.

Let us not forget that as a nation we need God just as much as we need God in our own personal lives.