Dare to Dream

 Numbers 27:1-11:

¹THEN CAME the daughters of Zelophehad son of Hepher, the son of Gilead, the son of Machir, the son of Manasseh, from the families of Manasseh son of Joseph. The names of his daughters: Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Tirzah.
²They stood before Moses, Eleazar the priest, and the leaders, and all the congregation at the door of the Tent of Meeting, saying,
³Our father died in the wilderness. He was not among those who assembled together against the Lord in the company of Korah, but died for his own sin [as did all those who rebelled at Kadesh], and he had no sons.
⁴Why should the name of our father be removed from his family because he had no son? Give to us a possession among our father's brethren.
⁵Moses brought their case before the Lord.
⁶And the Lord said to Moses,
⁷The daughters of Zelophehad are justified and speak correctly. You shall surely give them an inheritance among their father's brethren, and you shall cause their father's inheritance to pass to them.
⁸And say to the Israelites, If a man dies and has no son, you shall cause his inheritance to pass to his daughter.
⁹If he has no daughter, you shall give his inheritance to his brethren.
¹⁰If he has no brethren, give his inheritance to his father's brethren.
¹¹And if his father has no brethren, then give his inheritance to his next of kin, and he shall possess it. It shall be to the Israelites a statute and ordinance, as the Lord commanded Moses

I've read this story many times but this time God grabbed hold of my heart and over the course of several days has revealed several things to me which I want to share lest I forget :)

1.  These daughters found their voice.  They lived in a time in which they had no rights. Yet they had the COURAGE to use their circumstances to uncover the voice God had given them.  God has given each of us a voice.  Our voices can change the world, can change our circumstances or lend themselves to someone else and their struggles.  These daughters lived in a time when only sons were "valued" and inheritances only passed from father to sons yet they asked.  These women could have cast out of the community or killed.  They had lived through that time when the Israelites were wandering in the wilderness.  They had seen people die by plagues or disappear into the ground because they displeased the Lord.  These daughters, who are not even given a name, knew that there could be a cost to finding their voice yet they sought their voice anyway.

2.  They asked.  They did not demand or whine or try to manipulate their circmstances.  They were respectful in their request.  The manner in which they approached Moses more than likely had everything to do with his willingness to listen and consider their requests.  I spend a lot of my time with women who are broken and hurting and I have observed their attempts to get what they want.  I have seen women whine, demand, manipulate, attack and threaten.  I have seen them cry, beg and lie.  It is heart breaking to watch........because all they have to do is ask.  So many times as my heart breaks for their pain and their circumstances and their brokenness I can't help but wonder how my Father in heaven's heart must be breaking too.

3.  They did not ask because they desired material possessions or a better position but because the desire of their heart was for their father's life to not pass in vain.  They wanted to preserve their father's legacy.  Their cause had merit.  They had pure motives.  Remember that man only sees what goes on on the outside but God sees the heart.  How many times have I asked for something not because I really wanted "it" but because I wanted a thing or power or position?  I see this in the world all the time and unfortunately it has made its way into our churches.  People serving not because their heart is to serve but because they want popularity, power or posessions.  Daughters this is not the example to a broken and hurting world that God has called us to be. 

4.  They revealed a deep desire of their own heart in asking.  There was risk involved.  Moses was not required to even consider their request - they were women with no standing.  Perhaps it was the very fact that they took a risk and revealed the desires of their heart that stirred something in Moses to hear what they had to say. 
 
God sees the desires of our hearts whether they are spoken or unspoken.  It is his heart to grant those desires just as it is the heart of any parent to give their child good things.  So many of us have walls all around our hearts to keep out the hurts inflicted by a hurting world.  Hurt people hurt people.  What we forget is that these same walls keep God out too.  We as women have spent far too much time tearing eachother down with gossip and judgment and just plain ol' mean than we have building eachother up and helping eachother step into our identity as Daughters of the Most High King.

5.  These daughters walked in their positions as daughters.  They knew the love of a father.  They knew that a father's heart was to give his children good things - in death as in life.  They did not use their opportunity to try to advance their position.  They did not need to.  They knew who they were and were content to be Mr. Z's daughters.  They did not ask for power or the ability to be counted and heard as men but only to receive what was already theirs.  I am the Daughter of the Most High God.  What other position do I need?  What material possession gets any better than that?  I need to learn to just be a DAUGHTER.

6.  They respected the authority over them and did not try to circumvent it.  They sought out Moses and asked.  Moses in turn sought the direction from the Lord who granted their request because it was right to do so.  Because they knew they were DAUGHTERS they didn't need to go behind someone's back or circumvent the authority over them.  It had nothing to do with position & yet everything to do with position.  THEY DIDN'T NEED POSITION BECAUSE THEY ALREAD HAD IT.

Galatians 1:10 - Now am I trying to win the favor of men or of God?  Do I seek to please men?  If I were still seeking popularity with men, I should not be a bond servant of Christ.

These daughters were not seeking the favor of anyone but their father.  This was scandalous behavior for these times.  They risked it all.  And they asked.
 
What is holding you back from asking God for what is yours?  for what he has for you?  Right now would you just ask God to unleash the dream that he placed inside of you?  Will you ask him to multiply your ministry, your boundaries your influence, to reach an entire city?

Acts 20:24

Amplified Bible (AMP)

²⁴But none of these things move me; neither do I esteem my life dear to myself, if only I may finish my course with joy and the ministry which I have obtained from [which was entrusted to me by] the Lord Jesus, faithfully to attest to the good news (Gospel) of God's grace (His unmerited favor, spiritual blessing, and mercy).
What has God called you to be? to do?  You are his daughter.  He calls you "child".  Will you be what God has called you to be?  Will you stop tripping up your sisters and letting them trip you up?  What is stopping you? 

What is stopping you from dreaming big dreams?  Is it the cost?  Their is no cost higher than what has been paid by Jesus.  Are you willing to stand to your feet and say "I want a dream".  Are you willing to use your voice to pursue the dream God has for you? 

Are you ready to change your world?  To make a difference?  To leave a legacy for your children to claim?

Mr. Z's daughters had a dream and they pursued it.  They lent their voices to their dream and God offered them the desires of their hearts.  Why not you?

Blessings!

Nurture

God has been speaking this word into my life lately.  Alot.  From looking at the role of mothers and their children to how a mother is born to nurture to the absolute need of our children to receive nurturing.  Everywhere we look we see the results of a world where  the nurture relationship has been disrupted.

I grew up in an  alcoholic home full of violence and not a lot of nurture.  I was loved.  My parents both loved me to the best of their ability.  I grew up believing that if I could perform perfectly I would receive the loving/nurturing relationships I longed for.  Yet I always fell short.  Instead my Dad left and my mother's drinking took off leaving us kids to fend for ourselves. That is what we did -we learned to survive but not to thrive.

I was the perfect candidate to fall into my own addictions to escape the reality of my life.  & escape I did.  But still always seeking someone or something to make me feel nurtured.  Noone could love me enough to fill those empty places.  No one could be enough.  Could do enough.  Could say enough.

And yet everytime I have come face to face with one of my empty places I have run into Jesus.  It is only through HIM that I begin to find healing.

I have worked hard to make sure that my children have felt nurtured.  That they know they are loved no matter what.  I hope I am succeeding.  I hope they know that my heart's desire is for them to go so much further than I will ever go and to see and do so much more than I have.  I hope I have planted them in fertile soil from which to grow and spread out and enlarge their territories.

So why at this time in my life is God speaking NURTURE over me?  Perhaps because it is my season.  My season to just rest in God and let him nurture me.  To stop doing and to receive.  To let my roots go down deep and rest in the fertile soil I will find in this next level of my relationship with Christ.  Or maybe it is time for me to help other women who were not nurtured as a child claim their right to be nurtured and loved by the one who loves them best.

 Maybe it's time to let some of the people around me know that some times I am tired and empty and sometimes its lonely on the road I have been given to travel.  I go like the energizer bunny not because I have to but because I can.  There's always one more person out there I can reach.  One more thing God has for me to do.  But there are days where the pressures and needs of the people around me feel like teeth tearing at my flesh & it is those days that my steps get heavy and my spirit falters and only because of the love of Jesus I can put my next foot forward and take that next faltering step.

 Because no matter what this season of nurture looks like I only want to be where my Jesus is.  Doing what he has for me to do.  Going where he has for me to go.  I don't need to know the destination.  Just the next step he has for me.  So nurture away.........into this next thing that the lover of my soul has for me ....whereve that might lead.

Leading with my Emotions..............

I sat down this morning and read Matthew 14 to 16. 

It contains one of my favorite stories.......of Jesus walking across the sea to his disciples & Peter taking a giant leap of faith and stepping over the side of the boat and walking with Jesus.  I can so see myself as Peter begging Jesus to let me try it.  But this morning when I read it these things jumped out at me:

1.  The "boisterous" winds.  Matthew 14:30 - But when he saw that the wind was boisterous he was afraid and beginning to sink he cried out saying "Lord save me".  When Peter asked Jesus to let him try walking on the water Peter wasn't paying any attention to the winds.  He was only focused on what Jesus was doing.   & when he stood with one foot on the water and one safely in the boat..........he wasn't noticing wind.......he was only looking at Jesus.  It was only after he had entirely left the safety of the boat and actually taken a couple steps..........that he took his eyes off Jesus and noticed the boisterous winds. 

2.  Jesus felt emotion.  When Jesus and his disciples arrived at the tomb that held Lazarus "Jesus wept".  Jesus knew Lazarus was only temporarily dead.  He knew that he could bring Lazarus back to life.  Yet he wept.  At the feeding of the 5,000 and again at the feeding of the 4,000 Jesus had compassion on the crowds.  Emotions are God-given.  Women were created to be nurturers.  We raise children.  We build up our husbands.  We cry.  We laugh.  I believe that woman carries God's heart.

3.  Our emotions can be like boisterous winds.  In order for me to focus on what I am feeling right now my focus has to be on me.  If someone says something and it hurts my feelings it's because I'm focused on me & my feelings.  I can find forgiveness for that person when the focus comes off me and goes first to Jesus and t hen back to the other person involved.  I can be moved to tears and feel great compassion for someone without letting my feelings overwhelm me?  Why?  Because the focus isn't on me.

4.  Passionate Leadership.  I am a passionate person.  I have a passion for the things of Jesus and I love nothing more than sharing Jesus with those God puts in my path.  Just like Peter when my gaze is on the face of Jesus I will always find the courage to set that foot outside of the safety of the boat.  I will take the risk.  I will take those first few steps.  I love taking a risk for Jesus!   Doubt will only creep in if I tear my eyes from the face of Jesus and put them on my circumstances.  Just like when I focus on my feelings insted of Jesus.....I open myself up to  believe the lies of the Enemy  Jesus had emotions.  He showed them openly.  But HIS FOCUS NEVER WAVERED FROM HIS FATHER.  When I start focusing on my feelings; on past hurts; on criticism I waver.........I start to sink and then along come those boisterous winds

God has made me to be passionate.  That is one of my greatest strenghts & greatest weaknesses.  It means I am passionate about what I do...........it also means I'm wide open to the hurt that comes along with taking that risk. 

I'm on a journey.  Not to stop leading with my heart, with my passion.  My passion and my heart are God-given and they are precious.  My journey is to learn to lead  with all that I've got and with my eyes never wavering from the face of my Jesus. 

Oh how I love my Jesus.

 2 Corinthians 2:9 – For to this end I also wrote that I might put you to the test, whether you are obedient in all things.

Am I obedient to God in ALL things?  Nope.  I get a big ol FAIL on that one.  There is still one area of my life I struggle to surrender to God – my addiction to food.  I have abused my “temple” to the point that it is affecting my health.  It is affecting my emotional health as well – along with all the excess weight comes a huge struggle with self image.  This leaves me wide open to the lies of the Enemy.  This is one of the roots I must tear out.  I have worked so hard to lose weight in the past only to fail.  Again and again and again.  Perfect ground for those lies – I’m just made this way – Nope I have pictures of me back in the day that prove this lie isn’t true. 

But whether I believe the lies or not there is still the issue of obedience.  I am not being obedient to God in ALL things if I continue to overeat and abuse my body.  If I want to live my life completely sold out to Jesus than I must completely surrender.  I can’t handle my food addiction on my own.  It’s embarrassing to admit that I struggle in this area – why I don’t know.  Anyone who looks at me knows.  So I find myself once again facing yet another surrender.  One more step towards being in the will of God.

Truth is I’m scared.  Which is why I’m putting this right out there.  Because I need to be held accountable for what I am putting in my mouth – the way I am treating my body.  I cannot be an effective witness for Christ if I am carrying self loathing and actively practicing an addiction.

Father God you are bigger than any addiction I may have.  I know this.  You have set me free from an alcohol and drug addiction that almost killed me on multiple occasions.  I need your freedom once again Lord.  I can’t do this anymore.  I surrender.  I want to be obedient to you in ALL things – in every area of my life.  Help me Lord.  I can’t do this alone.  Amen.

Blind Eyes Open

So I spent last weekend on a mountain with a group of ladies I love.  But I didn't want to go.  I told myself it was because I don't fit in with them.    The heart and direction of their ministry often times seems so contrary to mine.  I am more at home in a homeless shelter, or a jail, or an inner city poverty stricken church than I am at a woman's conference or most women's ministry events.  Why?  I don't know - it's just the way I'm made.    I was soon to discover that that whole "feeling like I don't fit in thing" was not based in truth at all. 

It didn't take that long after I arrived for God to show me the lie.  It had nothing to do with not fitting in and everything to do with some hurts I had been carrying.  The surprising part of the whole thing to me was that these were hurts that I knew I had and thought I had been dealing with. 

You see, I serve in a couple of ministries where I am there to serve.  Its not my ministry.  I love the vision and the heart of the women I serve under.  I trust their vision.  I believe in their vision & I follow the vision.  But I also know it's not mine.  God has not given these ministries to me.  But there are those God has entrusted into my hands.  The visions are visions I have birthed.  I have suffered through the birth pangs and the growing pains.  I have poured all I have into these ministries.   I love those I minister to. 

Which is why when one of my "babies", my ministries comes under criticism it cuts deeply.  Comments like "can't you control those kids?" or "I don't know why they won't behave for you I have no problem with them" cut to the quick.  I have been rather appalled at some of the things that people will say to you when you are the head of a ministry.  Things they would never say to a friend or a family member or even a "sister in the Lord" they will freely say in the spirit of  "helping".  

But it's not about them.  It's about me.  Why do I let these words leave the wounds that they do?  Am I in ministry to please them or to please my God?   Why is it after one of these encounters I walk away feeling like I am failing?   Because deep down inside there is a place of old lies.........whose roots go down deep..........where words like "failure" and "unworthy" reside.   Oh progress has been made.  There are whole patches of ground now where the soil is a mess from the roots of these lies being chopped and wripped out.  But as God has shown me there are spots here and there where the lies of the Enemy still find fertile soil.  Areas of my heart that need to be refined and purified and those roots torn out.  It is painful when you rip a root out.  It reopens wounds and allows fresh blood to flow.  But where the flow of blood used to mean only that there is pain.  Tody it is the blood of healing that flows. 

This past weekend those words of criticism were the very tool that God used to unveil the lies.  The roots that had grown down deep and were way below the surface just waiting for the right words to fall.  He exposed them one by one.  I spent the weekend not just being superficially "pruned" but in absolute agony as deep roots were torn out and cast into the fire.  God has planted me where I am for a reason.  He has given me a new root system.  But in order for my new roots to reach the fertile soil he has prepared I must give up my dependence on the old root system.  Those old roots will prevent new growth.  They will not allow my new roots to spread and will limit new growth. When I look at a tree all I see is what is above the ground.  But underneath the ground the root system of that tree can spread hundred and hundreds of feet away.  All those old twisted roots must be torn out so that my new roots can spread wide and far.   Only if my roots can spread will I be able to claim new territory and new areas of influence.

One of the areas I needed to heal in involved my worship.  I was up against the fence with my worship.  Do I change the way I worship to please man or do I worship to please God?  I spent Saturday morning on my face crying out to God asking if my worship pleased Him. I was face down on the floor with my hands out in front of me.  I felt the slightest pressure in my hand and looked at the palm of my hand to see something glistening.  At first I thought it was gold dust, then maybe oil.  I didn't really dare to touch it or move because I was afraid it would go away.  It didn't.  It stayed.   So I saved it in a plastic bag and then transferred it to an envelope.  It wasn't oil.  It looked like micah (sp?).  Like flakes of glass or plastic..............or like the scales that fall from the eys of the blind.  You see, I was blind.  I was spiritualy blind.  I am in the places I am in for a reason.  It may not be to receive ministry but rather because there is something God has deposited in me that other people need.  They may not know it.  They may not even want it.  That's between them and God.  You see I love the broken, the prisoners, the drug addicts, the children society has forgotten about. I have a harder time ministering to the pretty people.  The ones who don't need Jesus the way "my people" do.  But they need me.  I'm not saying that to sound full of myself or prideful but because that is what God has told me. 

I spent my entire weekend finding scales.  On the carpet during worship.  In my room.  In the spa at the place where we were staying.  And every time I found one I heard God say "I am well please with you".  "Your worship pleases me".  "You are worthy".  "You are my daughter".  He spoke the words "Refiner's Fire" over me.

God pried out the roots of the Enemy and healed my heart.  Then he spoke to me.  I have healed you so that you can open blind eyes.  I am giving you a ministry of healing blind eyes.  Starting with my own.  Forgive me Father for my blindness.  I want to see as you see.  Use me Lord.  Open my blind eyes and use me to heal the blind eyes of those of the world. 

Fearless

Nehemiah 6:9 - For they all were trying to make us afraid saying "Their hands will be weakened and it will not be done".  Now therefore O God strengthen my hands.

Fear is a funny thing.  Sometimes it seems that we have no control over it.  There are just some things we are afraid of.  Take me, for example, I am terrified of snakes.  Why?  Because when I was a kid my brothers chased me around the house with one and then hid and when I ran around the corner of the house they threw it at me and it wrapped itself around my neck.  Now I was in no danger.  It was just a big ol garden snake (okay it's big in my mind but it was probably tiny)  & it was probably way more afraid of me than I was of it.  But ever since that day when I see a snake I lose my breath.  Literally.  I feel like I can't breathe.  I can't move.  I just freeze up.  In all honesty it has gotten better so that last year when I was hiking I actually got close enough to one to take its picture.  But I was poised to run if I had to.

But doesn't this verse in Nehemiah give a perfect illustration of the intent of fear?  Fear purposes to stop us from what we are doing - from building that wall - our hands from working.  It's intent is to stop us in our tracks - to keep us from moving forward.

I've learned a lot about fear in my lifetime.  It's the one of the first emotions I remember feeling.  If fear is a feeling........   I covered up my fear by escaping into other worlds.  At first with barbies and books and later on with alcohol, drugs, unhealthy relationships, work, food..........the list goes on and on and on.  I covered up my fear with anger and rage.   I hid it well.  Until one day for no particular reason I couldn't move.  I couldn't breathe.  I was watching a hole open up in front of me in the middle of my living room floor and I knew if I fell into that hole I would never find my way out again.  No I wasn't having a nightmare.  I wasn't having a bad drug experience.  I was stone cold sober.  I was happily married.  I had three wonderful children.  No life wasn't always easy but it was good.

So where did this fear come from?  I didn't know.  I tried to figure it out.  Boy did I try!  I spent a long time trying to get to the bottom of my fear.  Until I just couldn't anymore.  Until I realized the more I focused on my fear the bigger, the stronger it became.  If I took my eyes off my fear and focused on God and what he could do my fear got smaller and smaller.  Until I realized I didn't need to know what caused my fear but I did need to know who my God is.

Later on at verse 13 it says "For this reason he was hired, that I should be afraid and act that way and sin that they might have cause for an evil report that they might reproach me".

Isn't that also a truth about fear?  It desperately wants to get us to stop the work we were called to do.  If the very presence of fear in our lives won't get us to stop our work - then another tactic is to try to get fear to lead us into sin.  After all if fear itself won't stop us.......guilt and shame might.

I don't know when my fear began to fade away but I think it happened right around the time I  decided that nothing was going to stop me from chasing after God.  No fear.  No person.  No place.  No thing.  No emotion.   If I had to take every step God asked of me afraid that's what I was going to do.  DO IT AFRAID would be my new motto.  I think it had something to do with coming to an understanding that God had conquered fear.  Living in fear was my choice.  I could claim God's promises over my life and be set free.

Nehemiah's answer to fear was "Strengthen my hands O Lord".  That's the clue.  We just keep on showing up and doing what's in front of us to be done.  That's all courageous people do.  Courageous people are just ordinary people who do what needs to be done in the face of very difficult circumstances.  Want to see the face of courage?  Look at Jesus.

Do I still experience fear?  Yes I do.  But today I choose to not let it cripple me; not let it stop my work.  I just do it afraid.  & I keep on doing.  I don't do anything.  I make a decision to not live in fear today and God does the rest.  Its a beautiful thing!

No Walls

Zechariah 2:3:  ..... and another angel was coming out to meet him.  Who said to him, "Run, Speak to this young man saying: "Jerusalem shall be inhabited as towns without walls, because of the multitude of men and livestock in it.  For I says the Lord "will be a wall of fire all around her and I will be the glory in her midst".

Walls were important in biblical times.  There were walls around the city to keep invaders and predators out.  They kept the inhabitants safe and secure.  They were fortresses which men defended from invading armies because if those walls were breached their families were vulnerable to attack. 

We may not have walls around our cities today but walls are still important.  Our homes have walls to keep us warm and protect us from the elements and to keep strangers out and loved ones in.  We don't think about walls today.  They're just there.  Holding the roof up; keeping the cold out.  We decorate them and hang pictures on them.

But what about our hearts?  Have we installed "spiritual walls" to keep invaders out?  To keep strangers out?  Are we keeping God out of certain areas of our hearts and lives?  Are we using our walls to limit what God can do in us and through us.  When I met God I was about as broken as a young woman can be.  I had been broken  and hurt beyond repair (or so I thought).  So I offered God a chance - to do what he could do with this trash heap.  But I didn't let him all the way in.  There were certain things that were just too painful for me to trust ANYONE with.  There were sections of my heart I boarded up and place a huge "Do Not Enter" sign on.  & God accepted that.  He honored that.  He never pushed.  He never forced his way in.  He just loved me just the way I was until little by little those walls began to crumble and fall.  And when the walls were gone and my deepest hurts were revealed he poured out his healing oil and made me whole.

What about our lives?  Are we spending all our time operating within the safety of our walls and not venturing outside?  What about our ministry?  Do we only serve where we are comfortable even though our heart swells with compassion for the broken lives we see every day?   Do we close our eyes or pretend not to see. Just like our hearts God will respect our free will to let him in or keep him out of our lives or just certain areas of our lives.  But God desires to be the wall of fire all around our lives and the glory in our midst.

What if we stopped vying for position within our church walls and just stepped outside and shared our story/the gospel with one person?  What if we mentored one lonely child or took someone down on their luck out for a cup of coffee?  Comfortable?  Not always.  What if we stopped criticizing our church leadership, our ministry heads and simply said "what can I do to help"?  What if we stopped being part of the problem and became the solution?  What if we stepped aside from doing things "we've always done" and gave someone else a chance?  What if we nurtured each other's giftings and abilities instead of judging one another?  

The Enemy would flee.  The prisoners would be set free!

God desires to be the wall of fire around our lives and the glory in our midst.  What if we stopped pretending and just got real? What if we truly got transparent - sharing our mistakes as well as our successes?  What if we showed people that we aren't perfect but we know the one who is?  The one who can take our mistakes and turn them into opportunity.    What if we truly loved one another as Jesus did? 

We would change the world around us. 

Father God I am sorry for all of the times I judge and criticize others.  Forgive me Lord for all the times I slip into being a part of the problem instead of the solution.  Search my heart and my life Lord.  Reveal to me any area I am not granting you access to.  I surrender each and every one of them to you.  Lord I want you to be the wall of fire around my life and the glory in my midst.  Invade me Lord Jesus.  Fill with your fire and let your glory shine brightly to all those around me.  May you receive all of the glory Lord Jesus.  I lay all of me before you, at your feet.  Mold me, shape me & light me on FIRE.  Just as your fire surrounds me Lord let me be the spark that will set someone else on fire.  Let your fire burn and your presence overwhelm me always.  Amen.