Practice What You Preach

Sunday, May 6, 2012:  2 Samuel 11-12; Psalm 51 & Matthew 23.

PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH

S:  Matthew 23:3 – So observe and practice all they tell you; but do not do what they do, for they preach but they do not practice.

O:  Jesus is warning us to practice what we preach.

A:  In  Jesus’ day there were scribes and Pharisees who were the equivalent of our modern day church leaders.  They enjoyed positions of authority, the best seats in church, the ability to set the rules and regulations and programs of the church.  Jesus observed that rather than using their positions of authority to lead others into meaningful relationship with God; to encourage others in their service of the Lord or to help those in need they actually used their positions to make so many rules and regulations and programs that they actually ended up interfering with the ability of the people to enter into a meaningful relationship with God the Father.   These scribes and Pharisees spent a lot of time telling others how to live to please God but they did not expend any energy in their own lives trying to please God.  With any kind of leadership comes authority but also great responsibility – to practice what we preach; to not just talk the talk but to walk the walk.  First and foremost we are servants of the most high God.  Just as Jesus was.  This is what people should see when they look into our lives.  Not perfection; but a heart intent on serving God.   And as a follower I should watch and listen carefully before I decide to follow the lead of any other person – are they leading me closer to Jesus or away from Jesus? 

P:  Father God I thank you for the leadership of  all of the people that you have placed in my life.  Those who have led by wonderful example and those who have not.  Because I have learned lessons from both.    Father God my heart is only to serve you.  Forgive me if I have ever said or done anything that led another away from true relationship with you or interfered in their growth in you.  Use me Lord to lead people to you – not with fancy words but by loving you and doing my best to “walk the walk” all the days of my life.

A Giant Faith

Sunday, April 15, 2012 – 1 Samuel 17; Psalm 9; Matthew 2

S: 1 Samuel 17:37 – David said “The Lord who delivered me out of the paw of the lion and out of the paw of the bear, He will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine.  And Saul said to David, Go, and the Lord be with you.

O:  David’s faith was in the Lord.  His confidence was  in the truth that God had delivered him from other attacks in the past  and would protect him from this one as well.

A:  David had a faith bigger than the giant, Goliath.  David’s faith was not in David but in God.  David was not going into battle alone.  He knew that alone he had no chance against this giant, skilled warrior.  But God!  Our faith in our battles needs to be in the same place – in God and not in ourselves.  God has already led each one of us through trials and battles of our own.  They may not involve a giant but let’s be honest – some of those circumstances seemed like giants at the time we faced them.  God overcame those “giants” in our lives.  He had a way out for us.  Why?  To grow our faith so like David we too can trust that Lord will deliver us out of the hands of the giants we face today.  Our trust belongs in God.  We will not taste victory if we try to fight our battles alone.

P:  Father God thank you for my past trials and battles.  I choose to trust today in you and your plan for my life.  Lord, equip me to be a giant killer like David.  Help my unbelief Lord God and give me a faith that will slay giants.  Not for my glory but for yours.  Let my victories bring glory and honor to your name.  Amen.

Old Hurts

Have you ever wondered if you will ever fully heal from some of the hurts you carry?  I've been in just such a place today. 

My day started off well.  A good night's sleep.  Got up and went to the promises meeting followed by breakfast with my husband.  & then the phone rang.  It was my father.  Before we were much past "hello" I felt like I was under attack as he poked and prodded and criticized me, my children, some of the parenting decisions I have made.  With comments sprinkled in like well your brother does this and your nephews doing that.  & by the end of the conversation I am back in that place where I feel like a supreme "less than".

And the rest of the day I spent trying to figure out why I give my father the power to lead me back into this place.  It's not like I don't expect it.  I have spent my entire life feeling judged and criticized and like I didn't measure up in my father's eyes.   These feelings have led me to behaviors in the past that have caused me even more pain.   If there has ever been a time in my life that my father felt anything like pride toward me I am not aware of it.  And yet I know in my heart of hearts that my father is doing the best that he can.  He doesn't know how to love.  He probably never felt anything from his father other than judgment and criticism.  We sow what we know.

And then there is the relationship I have with my heavenly father.  That relationship too has been affected.  Am I truly "good" enough "worthy" enough to be loved by the maker of all creation.  I have asked God this question again and again and again and everytime his answer has been a resounding "yes".

So ultimately I find myself in this place.  Am I going to carry this hurt forever?  Will I ever be truly free from the ghost of my past called "not enough"?  You see.  I believe today I have a choice.  I can stay crippled by this hurt or I can use it to move forward.  I can recognize the fact that my father is not capable of loving me the way I long to be loved.  But my heavenly father is.  I can take my pain and run into my true father's loving arms.  I can be at home in His arms.  I can be safe in His arms.   I can be loved in His arms.  I can be the daughter of the Most High King and I can seek His approval and his acceptance & in his arms I will find it there.

And I can learn to take care of me.  I don't have to stay on the phone and listen to the judgment and criticism.  I can excuse myself and get off the phone.  I can choose today to surround myself with people who love me for me. I can get in the very presence of the One who Always Loves Me.  I can set boundaries with those people in my life who can't seem to accept me as I am.  Because I am me & I am okay.  Just for today.  I can acknowledge the hurt and the loss that I feel as far as my relationship with my natural father goes but I don't have to live there anymore. 

And from a place of love (and not hurt) I can start to take care of myself. 

A New Generation

S:  Judges 2:10 - After that whole generation had been gathered to their fathers, another generation grew up who knew neither the LORD nor what he had done for Israel.

O:  The Israelites were not faithful and did not teach their children of all that the Lord had done for them.

A:  How faithful is our generation?  Do my children know all the Lord has done for me?  Have I taught them well?  Do they understand why my relationship with God is so important to me?  How important is it to them?  It's never too late.  Tell your story to your children.  Tell them how important it was when you were down and out and ready to give up hope and that bible verse or childhood song (in my case Jesus loves me) was the only thing you had to cling to.  I look around me and I see a faithless generation rising up behind me and there is noone to blame but myself. 

P:  Father God forgive me for like the Israelites I have failed to tell my story; to instill in my children and all those children around me how important my relationship with you is to me.  God give me your heart and your vision and your words to pour into all the generations behind me that we may never forget all that God has done.

RUN LIKE YOU'VE GOT PLACES TO GO

Saturday March 24, 2012 – Joshua 18-20; 1 Cor 9.

S:  1 Corinthians 9:24-26.  Do you not know that in a race all the runners compete, but only one receives the prize?  So run your race that you may lay hold of the prize and make it yours.  Now every athlete who goes into training conducts himself temperately and restricts himself in all things.  They do it to win a wreath that will wither but we do it to receive a crown of eternal blessedness that cannot wither.  Therefore, I do not run uncertainly (without definite aim); I do not box like one beating the air and striking without an adversary.

O:  Paul is comparing our walks of faith to a race and urging us to run as thought we want to win the race.

A:  We have a purpose.  We have a focus.  Those things we need to surrender or deny ourselves today will free us to run our race well.  The prize is eternity with Jesus.  There is nothing on this earth that compares to what our prize will be!  We need to run our race with purpose and focus.  I knew someone who was an amazing athlete.  He was always training, always restricting and honing what foods he ate and what he put into his body.  His body was like a fine-tuned piece of machinery but he never actually raced.  He was so lost in the training that he never actually ran the race.  I don’t want to be a spectator on the sidelines or the person who trains so much they never actually run the race.  God has called me to be in the race.  There are lessons to learn along the way and at times my race may look like a limp or a crawl rather than a sprint.  But God has called me to be IN THE RACE.  Not a spectator.  He has not called me to run perfectly.  I will learn things along the way.  I don’t need to learn them all before I join the race.  I must keep my eyes on my prize – JESUS.  If I take my eyes off my prize and focus on all the other runners my pace will slow and I will become distracted and off-course.  I must run with purpose. I must run like I’ve got somewhere to go.

P:  Father God forgive me for al the times I have taken my eyes off you – my prize.  Lord teach me to fasten my eyes on you each day and run toward you with everything I’ve got in me.  I will fall Lord but I know you will pick me up, dust me off and urge me to keep on running.  I’ve got places to go in you and with you.  Amen.

Giving my Best

A lesson worth learning.

2012 is off to an amazing start.  God has really been doing something in me this year.  Slowing me down, refining me, redirecting me and challenging me.  & it's only March! 

 Slowing Down.  I like to be busy.  I've never been a sit still for long person.  Physically, because of some health stuff going on, I've been slowed down this year.  It's all good though.  The tests have all been done and although it means a change in my lifestyle it is not something that will take me out of the race.  During this period of having to slow down physically I have noticed a few things about myself. 

1.  I use busy to not have to deal with what's going on in my life.  
2.  I am doing things I don't particularly like to do.
3.  I can keep God out when I'm too busy.

Solution:  I have been forced to slow down.  I am dealing with my life today - on life's terms.  I am learning to say no to those things I don't like to do.   & you know what I am learning.  When I say no to those things it gives people who love to do those things an opportunity to step up and do them.  Most importantly, I am letting God deeper into my life into new areas and he's rocking my world in the process.  I am learning so much about me, more about my past and some tendencies I have from my childhood that still affect my relationships with people today.   Good-bye denial; Hello recovery! 

Refining & Redirecting.

It can be a painful process sometimes to let go of the stuff in your life.  Even the stuff that isn't bringing out your best anymore.  I have wept many tears over some of the things I am beginning the process of letting go of.  My love for those things hasn't changed but God is in the process of releasing me and turning me in a new direction.  This has actually enabled me to look at some of the ministries I'm involved in and focus in on where my talent and abilities are and start handing out the rest of it to other people and just letting them handle it.  & you know what I am learning?  They do it better than I do because they are excited about it.  God is so amazing!  My letting go releases opportunities for others!  I am giving God my best not when I try to do it all but when I stick to what I'm good at and give others the opportunity to use their talents and abilities!  I can apply this same principle to every single area of my life.

The Challenge. 

I have been surrounded this year with people who are broken and hurting and are hurting eachother because of their brokenness.  It's hard to watch.  Even harder when it's going on inside the church.  We are supposed to be walking, talking Gospels for a lost and hurting world and yet I wonder if the world sees any difference between it and the church these days.  It's easy to be discouraged.  To want to give up.  But every time I get a little discouraged God has been telling me ....you show them.  You show them the way.  Show them how to love, how to forgive, how to find healing.  Be the change.  Be my light.   Lead those who are leading.  & yet who am I?  Another broken human being.  Lord, be my strength and my courage as I try to lead the way you would have me lead.  By example.  By releasing others to do what they can.  Help me Lord!

Dare to Dream

 Numbers 27:1-11:

¹THEN CAME the daughters of Zelophehad son of Hepher, the son of Gilead, the son of Machir, the son of Manasseh, from the families of Manasseh son of Joseph. The names of his daughters: Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Tirzah.
²They stood before Moses, Eleazar the priest, and the leaders, and all the congregation at the door of the Tent of Meeting, saying,
³Our father died in the wilderness. He was not among those who assembled together against the Lord in the company of Korah, but died for his own sin [as did all those who rebelled at Kadesh], and he had no sons.
⁴Why should the name of our father be removed from his family because he had no son? Give to us a possession among our father's brethren.
⁵Moses brought their case before the Lord.
⁶And the Lord said to Moses,
⁷The daughters of Zelophehad are justified and speak correctly. You shall surely give them an inheritance among their father's brethren, and you shall cause their father's inheritance to pass to them.
⁸And say to the Israelites, If a man dies and has no son, you shall cause his inheritance to pass to his daughter.
⁹If he has no daughter, you shall give his inheritance to his brethren.
¹⁰If he has no brethren, give his inheritance to his father's brethren.
¹¹And if his father has no brethren, then give his inheritance to his next of kin, and he shall possess it. It shall be to the Israelites a statute and ordinance, as the Lord commanded Moses

I've read this story many times but this time God grabbed hold of my heart and over the course of several days has revealed several things to me which I want to share lest I forget :)

1.  These daughters found their voice.  They lived in a time in which they had no rights. Yet they had the COURAGE to use their circumstances to uncover the voice God had given them.  God has given each of us a voice.  Our voices can change the world, can change our circumstances or lend themselves to someone else and their struggles.  These daughters lived in a time when only sons were "valued" and inheritances only passed from father to sons yet they asked.  These women could have cast out of the community or killed.  They had lived through that time when the Israelites were wandering in the wilderness.  They had seen people die by plagues or disappear into the ground because they displeased the Lord.  These daughters, who are not even given a name, knew that there could be a cost to finding their voice yet they sought their voice anyway.

2.  They asked.  They did not demand or whine or try to manipulate their circmstances.  They were respectful in their request.  The manner in which they approached Moses more than likely had everything to do with his willingness to listen and consider their requests.  I spend a lot of my time with women who are broken and hurting and I have observed their attempts to get what they want.  I have seen women whine, demand, manipulate, attack and threaten.  I have seen them cry, beg and lie.  It is heart breaking to watch........because all they have to do is ask.  So many times as my heart breaks for their pain and their circumstances and their brokenness I can't help but wonder how my Father in heaven's heart must be breaking too.

3.  They did not ask because they desired material possessions or a better position but because the desire of their heart was for their father's life to not pass in vain.  They wanted to preserve their father's legacy.  Their cause had merit.  They had pure motives.  Remember that man only sees what goes on on the outside but God sees the heart.  How many times have I asked for something not because I really wanted "it" but because I wanted a thing or power or position?  I see this in the world all the time and unfortunately it has made its way into our churches.  People serving not because their heart is to serve but because they want popularity, power or posessions.  Daughters this is not the example to a broken and hurting world that God has called us to be. 

4.  They revealed a deep desire of their own heart in asking.  There was risk involved.  Moses was not required to even consider their request - they were women with no standing.  Perhaps it was the very fact that they took a risk and revealed the desires of their heart that stirred something in Moses to hear what they had to say. 
 
God sees the desires of our hearts whether they are spoken or unspoken.  It is his heart to grant those desires just as it is the heart of any parent to give their child good things.  So many of us have walls all around our hearts to keep out the hurts inflicted by a hurting world.  Hurt people hurt people.  What we forget is that these same walls keep God out too.  We as women have spent far too much time tearing eachother down with gossip and judgment and just plain ol' mean than we have building eachother up and helping eachother step into our identity as Daughters of the Most High King.

5.  These daughters walked in their positions as daughters.  They knew the love of a father.  They knew that a father's heart was to give his children good things - in death as in life.  They did not use their opportunity to try to advance their position.  They did not need to.  They knew who they were and were content to be Mr. Z's daughters.  They did not ask for power or the ability to be counted and heard as men but only to receive what was already theirs.  I am the Daughter of the Most High God.  What other position do I need?  What material possession gets any better than that?  I need to learn to just be a DAUGHTER.

6.  They respected the authority over them and did not try to circumvent it.  They sought out Moses and asked.  Moses in turn sought the direction from the Lord who granted their request because it was right to do so.  Because they knew they were DAUGHTERS they didn't need to go behind someone's back or circumvent the authority over them.  It had nothing to do with position & yet everything to do with position.  THEY DIDN'T NEED POSITION BECAUSE THEY ALREAD HAD IT.

Galatians 1:10 - Now am I trying to win the favor of men or of God?  Do I seek to please men?  If I were still seeking popularity with men, I should not be a bond servant of Christ.

These daughters were not seeking the favor of anyone but their father.  This was scandalous behavior for these times.  They risked it all.  And they asked.
 
What is holding you back from asking God for what is yours?  for what he has for you?  Right now would you just ask God to unleash the dream that he placed inside of you?  Will you ask him to multiply your ministry, your boundaries your influence, to reach an entire city?

Acts 20:24

Amplified Bible (AMP)

²⁴But none of these things move me; neither do I esteem my life dear to myself, if only I may finish my course with joy and the ministry which I have obtained from [which was entrusted to me by] the Lord Jesus, faithfully to attest to the good news (Gospel) of God's grace (His unmerited favor, spiritual blessing, and mercy).
What has God called you to be? to do?  You are his daughter.  He calls you "child".  Will you be what God has called you to be?  Will you stop tripping up your sisters and letting them trip you up?  What is stopping you? 

What is stopping you from dreaming big dreams?  Is it the cost?  Their is no cost higher than what has been paid by Jesus.  Are you willing to stand to your feet and say "I want a dream".  Are you willing to use your voice to pursue the dream God has for you? 

Are you ready to change your world?  To make a difference?  To leave a legacy for your children to claim?

Mr. Z's daughters had a dream and they pursued it.  They lent their voices to their dream and God offered them the desires of their hearts.  Why not you?

Blessings!

Nurture

God has been speaking this word into my life lately.  Alot.  From looking at the role of mothers and their children to how a mother is born to nurture to the absolute need of our children to receive nurturing.  Everywhere we look we see the results of a world where  the nurture relationship has been disrupted.

I grew up in an  alcoholic home full of violence and not a lot of nurture.  I was loved.  My parents both loved me to the best of their ability.  I grew up believing that if I could perform perfectly I would receive the loving/nurturing relationships I longed for.  Yet I always fell short.  Instead my Dad left and my mother's drinking took off leaving us kids to fend for ourselves. That is what we did -we learned to survive but not to thrive.

I was the perfect candidate to fall into my own addictions to escape the reality of my life.  & escape I did.  But still always seeking someone or something to make me feel nurtured.  Noone could love me enough to fill those empty places.  No one could be enough.  Could do enough.  Could say enough.

And yet everytime I have come face to face with one of my empty places I have run into Jesus.  It is only through HIM that I begin to find healing.

I have worked hard to make sure that my children have felt nurtured.  That they know they are loved no matter what.  I hope I am succeeding.  I hope they know that my heart's desire is for them to go so much further than I will ever go and to see and do so much more than I have.  I hope I have planted them in fertile soil from which to grow and spread out and enlarge their territories.

So why at this time in my life is God speaking NURTURE over me?  Perhaps because it is my season.  My season to just rest in God and let him nurture me.  To stop doing and to receive.  To let my roots go down deep and rest in the fertile soil I will find in this next level of my relationship with Christ.  Or maybe it is time for me to help other women who were not nurtured as a child claim their right to be nurtured and loved by the one who loves them best.

 Maybe it's time to let some of the people around me know that some times I am tired and empty and sometimes its lonely on the road I have been given to travel.  I go like the energizer bunny not because I have to but because I can.  There's always one more person out there I can reach.  One more thing God has for me to do.  But there are days where the pressures and needs of the people around me feel like teeth tearing at my flesh & it is those days that my steps get heavy and my spirit falters and only because of the love of Jesus I can put my next foot forward and take that next faltering step.

 Because no matter what this season of nurture looks like I only want to be where my Jesus is.  Doing what he has for me to do.  Going where he has for me to go.  I don't need to know the destination.  Just the next step he has for me.  So nurture away.........into this next thing that the lover of my soul has for me ....whereve that might lead.

Leading with my Emotions..............

I sat down this morning and read Matthew 14 to 16. 

It contains one of my favorite stories.......of Jesus walking across the sea to his disciples & Peter taking a giant leap of faith and stepping over the side of the boat and walking with Jesus.  I can so see myself as Peter begging Jesus to let me try it.  But this morning when I read it these things jumped out at me:

1.  The "boisterous" winds.  Matthew 14:30 - But when he saw that the wind was boisterous he was afraid and beginning to sink he cried out saying "Lord save me".  When Peter asked Jesus to let him try walking on the water Peter wasn't paying any attention to the winds.  He was only focused on what Jesus was doing.   & when he stood with one foot on the water and one safely in the boat..........he wasn't noticing wind.......he was only looking at Jesus.  It was only after he had entirely left the safety of the boat and actually taken a couple steps..........that he took his eyes off Jesus and noticed the boisterous winds. 

2.  Jesus felt emotion.  When Jesus and his disciples arrived at the tomb that held Lazarus "Jesus wept".  Jesus knew Lazarus was only temporarily dead.  He knew that he could bring Lazarus back to life.  Yet he wept.  At the feeding of the 5,000 and again at the feeding of the 4,000 Jesus had compassion on the crowds.  Emotions are God-given.  Women were created to be nurturers.  We raise children.  We build up our husbands.  We cry.  We laugh.  I believe that woman carries God's heart.

3.  Our emotions can be like boisterous winds.  In order for me to focus on what I am feeling right now my focus has to be on me.  If someone says something and it hurts my feelings it's because I'm focused on me & my feelings.  I can find forgiveness for that person when the focus comes off me and goes first to Jesus and t hen back to the other person involved.  I can be moved to tears and feel great compassion for someone without letting my feelings overwhelm me?  Why?  Because the focus isn't on me.

4.  Passionate Leadership.  I am a passionate person.  I have a passion for the things of Jesus and I love nothing more than sharing Jesus with those God puts in my path.  Just like Peter when my gaze is on the face of Jesus I will always find the courage to set that foot outside of the safety of the boat.  I will take the risk.  I will take those first few steps.  I love taking a risk for Jesus!   Doubt will only creep in if I tear my eyes from the face of Jesus and put them on my circumstances.  Just like when I focus on my feelings insted of Jesus.....I open myself up to  believe the lies of the Enemy  Jesus had emotions.  He showed them openly.  But HIS FOCUS NEVER WAVERED FROM HIS FATHER.  When I start focusing on my feelings; on past hurts; on criticism I waver.........I start to sink and then along come those boisterous winds

God has made me to be passionate.  That is one of my greatest strenghts & greatest weaknesses.  It means I am passionate about what I do...........it also means I'm wide open to the hurt that comes along with taking that risk. 

I'm on a journey.  Not to stop leading with my heart, with my passion.  My passion and my heart are God-given and they are precious.  My journey is to learn to lead  with all that I've got and with my eyes never wavering from the face of my Jesus. 

Oh how I love my Jesus.

 2 Corinthians 2:9 – For to this end I also wrote that I might put you to the test, whether you are obedient in all things.

Am I obedient to God in ALL things?  Nope.  I get a big ol FAIL on that one.  There is still one area of my life I struggle to surrender to God – my addiction to food.  I have abused my “temple” to the point that it is affecting my health.  It is affecting my emotional health as well – along with all the excess weight comes a huge struggle with self image.  This leaves me wide open to the lies of the Enemy.  This is one of the roots I must tear out.  I have worked so hard to lose weight in the past only to fail.  Again and again and again.  Perfect ground for those lies – I’m just made this way – Nope I have pictures of me back in the day that prove this lie isn’t true. 

But whether I believe the lies or not there is still the issue of obedience.  I am not being obedient to God in ALL things if I continue to overeat and abuse my body.  If I want to live my life completely sold out to Jesus than I must completely surrender.  I can’t handle my food addiction on my own.  It’s embarrassing to admit that I struggle in this area – why I don’t know.  Anyone who looks at me knows.  So I find myself once again facing yet another surrender.  One more step towards being in the will of God.

Truth is I’m scared.  Which is why I’m putting this right out there.  Because I need to be held accountable for what I am putting in my mouth – the way I am treating my body.  I cannot be an effective witness for Christ if I am carrying self loathing and actively practicing an addiction.

Father God you are bigger than any addiction I may have.  I know this.  You have set me free from an alcohol and drug addiction that almost killed me on multiple occasions.  I need your freedom once again Lord.  I can’t do this anymore.  I surrender.  I want to be obedient to you in ALL things – in every area of my life.  Help me Lord.  I can’t do this alone.  Amen.

Blind Eyes Open

So I spent last weekend on a mountain with a group of ladies I love.  But I didn't want to go.  I told myself it was because I don't fit in with them.    The heart and direction of their ministry often times seems so contrary to mine.  I am more at home in a homeless shelter, or a jail, or an inner city poverty stricken church than I am at a woman's conference or most women's ministry events.  Why?  I don't know - it's just the way I'm made.    I was soon to discover that that whole "feeling like I don't fit in thing" was not based in truth at all. 

It didn't take that long after I arrived for God to show me the lie.  It had nothing to do with not fitting in and everything to do with some hurts I had been carrying.  The surprising part of the whole thing to me was that these were hurts that I knew I had and thought I had been dealing with. 

You see, I serve in a couple of ministries where I am there to serve.  Its not my ministry.  I love the vision and the heart of the women I serve under.  I trust their vision.  I believe in their vision & I follow the vision.  But I also know it's not mine.  God has not given these ministries to me.  But there are those God has entrusted into my hands.  The visions are visions I have birthed.  I have suffered through the birth pangs and the growing pains.  I have poured all I have into these ministries.   I love those I minister to. 

Which is why when one of my "babies", my ministries comes under criticism it cuts deeply.  Comments like "can't you control those kids?" or "I don't know why they won't behave for you I have no problem with them" cut to the quick.  I have been rather appalled at some of the things that people will say to you when you are the head of a ministry.  Things they would never say to a friend or a family member or even a "sister in the Lord" they will freely say in the spirit of  "helping".  

But it's not about them.  It's about me.  Why do I let these words leave the wounds that they do?  Am I in ministry to please them or to please my God?   Why is it after one of these encounters I walk away feeling like I am failing?   Because deep down inside there is a place of old lies.........whose roots go down deep..........where words like "failure" and "unworthy" reside.   Oh progress has been made.  There are whole patches of ground now where the soil is a mess from the roots of these lies being chopped and wripped out.  But as God has shown me there are spots here and there where the lies of the Enemy still find fertile soil.  Areas of my heart that need to be refined and purified and those roots torn out.  It is painful when you rip a root out.  It reopens wounds and allows fresh blood to flow.  But where the flow of blood used to mean only that there is pain.  Tody it is the blood of healing that flows. 

This past weekend those words of criticism were the very tool that God used to unveil the lies.  The roots that had grown down deep and were way below the surface just waiting for the right words to fall.  He exposed them one by one.  I spent the weekend not just being superficially "pruned" but in absolute agony as deep roots were torn out and cast into the fire.  God has planted me where I am for a reason.  He has given me a new root system.  But in order for my new roots to reach the fertile soil he has prepared I must give up my dependence on the old root system.  Those old roots will prevent new growth.  They will not allow my new roots to spread and will limit new growth. When I look at a tree all I see is what is above the ground.  But underneath the ground the root system of that tree can spread hundred and hundreds of feet away.  All those old twisted roots must be torn out so that my new roots can spread wide and far.   Only if my roots can spread will I be able to claim new territory and new areas of influence.

One of the areas I needed to heal in involved my worship.  I was up against the fence with my worship.  Do I change the way I worship to please man or do I worship to please God?  I spent Saturday morning on my face crying out to God asking if my worship pleased Him. I was face down on the floor with my hands out in front of me.  I felt the slightest pressure in my hand and looked at the palm of my hand to see something glistening.  At first I thought it was gold dust, then maybe oil.  I didn't really dare to touch it or move because I was afraid it would go away.  It didn't.  It stayed.   So I saved it in a plastic bag and then transferred it to an envelope.  It wasn't oil.  It looked like micah (sp?).  Like flakes of glass or plastic..............or like the scales that fall from the eys of the blind.  You see, I was blind.  I was spiritualy blind.  I am in the places I am in for a reason.  It may not be to receive ministry but rather because there is something God has deposited in me that other people need.  They may not know it.  They may not even want it.  That's between them and God.  You see I love the broken, the prisoners, the drug addicts, the children society has forgotten about. I have a harder time ministering to the pretty people.  The ones who don't need Jesus the way "my people" do.  But they need me.  I'm not saying that to sound full of myself or prideful but because that is what God has told me. 

I spent my entire weekend finding scales.  On the carpet during worship.  In my room.  In the spa at the place where we were staying.  And every time I found one I heard God say "I am well please with you".  "Your worship pleases me".  "You are worthy".  "You are my daughter".  He spoke the words "Refiner's Fire" over me.

God pried out the roots of the Enemy and healed my heart.  Then he spoke to me.  I have healed you so that you can open blind eyes.  I am giving you a ministry of healing blind eyes.  Starting with my own.  Forgive me Father for my blindness.  I want to see as you see.  Use me Lord.  Open my blind eyes and use me to heal the blind eyes of those of the world. 

Fearless

Nehemiah 6:9 - For they all were trying to make us afraid saying "Their hands will be weakened and it will not be done".  Now therefore O God strengthen my hands.

Fear is a funny thing.  Sometimes it seems that we have no control over it.  There are just some things we are afraid of.  Take me, for example, I am terrified of snakes.  Why?  Because when I was a kid my brothers chased me around the house with one and then hid and when I ran around the corner of the house they threw it at me and it wrapped itself around my neck.  Now I was in no danger.  It was just a big ol garden snake (okay it's big in my mind but it was probably tiny)  & it was probably way more afraid of me than I was of it.  But ever since that day when I see a snake I lose my breath.  Literally.  I feel like I can't breathe.  I can't move.  I just freeze up.  In all honesty it has gotten better so that last year when I was hiking I actually got close enough to one to take its picture.  But I was poised to run if I had to.

But doesn't this verse in Nehemiah give a perfect illustration of the intent of fear?  Fear purposes to stop us from what we are doing - from building that wall - our hands from working.  It's intent is to stop us in our tracks - to keep us from moving forward.

I've learned a lot about fear in my lifetime.  It's the one of the first emotions I remember feeling.  If fear is a feeling........   I covered up my fear by escaping into other worlds.  At first with barbies and books and later on with alcohol, drugs, unhealthy relationships, work, food..........the list goes on and on and on.  I covered up my fear with anger and rage.   I hid it well.  Until one day for no particular reason I couldn't move.  I couldn't breathe.  I was watching a hole open up in front of me in the middle of my living room floor and I knew if I fell into that hole I would never find my way out again.  No I wasn't having a nightmare.  I wasn't having a bad drug experience.  I was stone cold sober.  I was happily married.  I had three wonderful children.  No life wasn't always easy but it was good.

So where did this fear come from?  I didn't know.  I tried to figure it out.  Boy did I try!  I spent a long time trying to get to the bottom of my fear.  Until I just couldn't anymore.  Until I realized the more I focused on my fear the bigger, the stronger it became.  If I took my eyes off my fear and focused on God and what he could do my fear got smaller and smaller.  Until I realized I didn't need to know what caused my fear but I did need to know who my God is.

Later on at verse 13 it says "For this reason he was hired, that I should be afraid and act that way and sin that they might have cause for an evil report that they might reproach me".

Isn't that also a truth about fear?  It desperately wants to get us to stop the work we were called to do.  If the very presence of fear in our lives won't get us to stop our work - then another tactic is to try to get fear to lead us into sin.  After all if fear itself won't stop us.......guilt and shame might.

I don't know when my fear began to fade away but I think it happened right around the time I  decided that nothing was going to stop me from chasing after God.  No fear.  No person.  No place.  No thing.  No emotion.   If I had to take every step God asked of me afraid that's what I was going to do.  DO IT AFRAID would be my new motto.  I think it had something to do with coming to an understanding that God had conquered fear.  Living in fear was my choice.  I could claim God's promises over my life and be set free.

Nehemiah's answer to fear was "Strengthen my hands O Lord".  That's the clue.  We just keep on showing up and doing what's in front of us to be done.  That's all courageous people do.  Courageous people are just ordinary people who do what needs to be done in the face of very difficult circumstances.  Want to see the face of courage?  Look at Jesus.

Do I still experience fear?  Yes I do.  But today I choose to not let it cripple me; not let it stop my work.  I just do it afraid.  & I keep on doing.  I don't do anything.  I make a decision to not live in fear today and God does the rest.  Its a beautiful thing!

No Walls

Zechariah 2:3:  ..... and another angel was coming out to meet him.  Who said to him, "Run, Speak to this young man saying: "Jerusalem shall be inhabited as towns without walls, because of the multitude of men and livestock in it.  For I says the Lord "will be a wall of fire all around her and I will be the glory in her midst".

Walls were important in biblical times.  There were walls around the city to keep invaders and predators out.  They kept the inhabitants safe and secure.  They were fortresses which men defended from invading armies because if those walls were breached their families were vulnerable to attack. 

We may not have walls around our cities today but walls are still important.  Our homes have walls to keep us warm and protect us from the elements and to keep strangers out and loved ones in.  We don't think about walls today.  They're just there.  Holding the roof up; keeping the cold out.  We decorate them and hang pictures on them.

But what about our hearts?  Have we installed "spiritual walls" to keep invaders out?  To keep strangers out?  Are we keeping God out of certain areas of our hearts and lives?  Are we using our walls to limit what God can do in us and through us.  When I met God I was about as broken as a young woman can be.  I had been broken  and hurt beyond repair (or so I thought).  So I offered God a chance - to do what he could do with this trash heap.  But I didn't let him all the way in.  There were certain things that were just too painful for me to trust ANYONE with.  There were sections of my heart I boarded up and place a huge "Do Not Enter" sign on.  & God accepted that.  He honored that.  He never pushed.  He never forced his way in.  He just loved me just the way I was until little by little those walls began to crumble and fall.  And when the walls were gone and my deepest hurts were revealed he poured out his healing oil and made me whole.

What about our lives?  Are we spending all our time operating within the safety of our walls and not venturing outside?  What about our ministry?  Do we only serve where we are comfortable even though our heart swells with compassion for the broken lives we see every day?   Do we close our eyes or pretend not to see. Just like our hearts God will respect our free will to let him in or keep him out of our lives or just certain areas of our lives.  But God desires to be the wall of fire all around our lives and the glory in our midst.

What if we stopped vying for position within our church walls and just stepped outside and shared our story/the gospel with one person?  What if we mentored one lonely child or took someone down on their luck out for a cup of coffee?  Comfortable?  Not always.  What if we stopped criticizing our church leadership, our ministry heads and simply said "what can I do to help"?  What if we stopped being part of the problem and became the solution?  What if we stepped aside from doing things "we've always done" and gave someone else a chance?  What if we nurtured each other's giftings and abilities instead of judging one another?  

The Enemy would flee.  The prisoners would be set free!

God desires to be the wall of fire around our lives and the glory in our midst.  What if we stopped pretending and just got real? What if we truly got transparent - sharing our mistakes as well as our successes?  What if we showed people that we aren't perfect but we know the one who is?  The one who can take our mistakes and turn them into opportunity.    What if we truly loved one another as Jesus did? 

We would change the world around us. 

Father God I am sorry for all of the times I judge and criticize others.  Forgive me Lord for all the times I slip into being a part of the problem instead of the solution.  Search my heart and my life Lord.  Reveal to me any area I am not granting you access to.  I surrender each and every one of them to you.  Lord I want you to be the wall of fire around my life and the glory in my midst.  Invade me Lord Jesus.  Fill with your fire and let your glory shine brightly to all those around me.  May you receive all of the glory Lord Jesus.  I lay all of me before you, at your feet.  Mold me, shape me & light me on FIRE.  Just as your fire surrounds me Lord let me be the spark that will set someone else on fire.  Let your fire burn and your presence overwhelm me always.  Amen.

Blind Eyes

Luke 6:39 ...Can the Blind lead the Blind?  Will they not both fall into the ditch?

I see this in the world all the time.  Blind people leading blind people.  I'm not talking about physical blindness but spiritual blindness.  Look at our country, our state, our city.  Everywhere you look you see the results of the blind leading the blind.  Corruption.  Addiction.  Hunger.  Homelessness.  I'm not talking about a 3rd world country - I'm talking about my own.

I have come to the painful realization that I too am blind.  God has a purpose for certain  circumstances in my life and I have been blind to them.  Instead of  trying to "see" what God is doing my vision blurs and all I can focus on is me.  If I look at my life and all I can see is me.....I'm blind.  I have been in such a place recently.  My friend Vivian has been smacking me and saying to me "Open your blind eyes Momma Ida".  I would just look at her - not getting it at all.

You see I was dissatisfied with the ministries I was involved in; wondering why I was there because my heart and my vision seem so vastly different from those of  the ministry I am in.  I was feeling very much apart from and not a part of.  Why?  Because I was looking to this ministry to supply my needs instead of looking to see what I had that this ministry needed.   Vivian kept saying to me maybe you're not in these ministries to "fit it" but maybe God has placed you there to "be the change".  Geesh I'm starting to dislike those words. 

I am a believer in the saying "If you take the action, the feelings will follow.....".  In other words, I do not sit around waiting to feel like doing something - I just do it.  So I began to cry out to God asking him to open my blind eyes.  Nothing happened at first but as I began to turn my gaze from my life, my circumstances, the world around me and focus instead on the face of my Savior I began to feel the scales fall from my eyes.  I would like to report my eyes are completely open and my vision is clear but I cannot.  What I can say is that today I am aware I am blind and that my vision is beginning to clear.  I can see shadows of men where once there was only darkness.

God is doing something in me. I can feel it.  God is showing me that he has put things inside of me - desires, visions, a heart for the broken - for a reason.  I may not fully understand what his plan is but I can use what I have right now with whoever he puts in front of me. 

God has also been showing me that when he asks us to lead - we need to be careful that we are not leading others blindly.  If he has put me in a position to minister to others than I need to take that responsibility seriously.  There is nothing routine about ministry.  If my eyes are blind & I can't find my own way out of a cardboard box....how will I show someone else the way out?  I must seek God in everything I do.  I now pray for HIS vision.  The steps HE would have me take.  The words HE would have me speak.  God isn't blind.  He sees what I can't see.  He plans my every step.  He forms my words for me.  God is showing me that I must lead with not only passion but with purpose.  Not my purpose but HIS purpose.  I am accountable to God with the way I lead those around me; with the way I minister to those he gives me to minister to.  Woah, right?  I can't get too comfortable in my ministry and lose "sight" of  the awesome responsibility God has given me.  I know it's not about "me" anymore - it's about "Him" but I am responsible for what I do with what he has given me.

As a result, I am falling in love with people that a few months ago  I didn't even think about. I have been given new ministry opportunities and I haven't lifted a finger to search them out.  Things are happening all around me and all I have to do is continue to chase after God.  To seek Him.  To get in his presence and let him fill me.  Let Him wipe the cloudiness from my eyes.  Stay in his presence long enough for my vision to be restored.

Father God, I love you.  Please give me your eyes to see.  Heal me of my blindness Lord.  For I was blind but now I see.  Let me turn my gaze to you always.  All I desire  is to follow you and to see the world around me as you see it.  I desire to see the broken and the lonely healed and set free.  Lord open blind eyes all around me.  In my church, in my city, in my state, in my country.  Let "Blind Eyes Open" be the call of a turning from this world to YOUR WORD.  Let us rally around you, your truth, your EYES.    In Jesus name.  Amen.

Prayer for a Nation

LINCOLN’S PRAYER PROCLAMATION

In 1863, during the American Civil War, Abraham Lincoln called the nation to repentance, to confession of national sins, and to a turning back to God. In a world today caught up in confiict between nations and within nations, a similar call would bring more peace and prosperity than wars or treaties can provide.

A Proclamation for a National Day of Prayer

Whereas, the Senate of the United States, devoutly recognizing the supreme authority and just government of the Almighty God in all the affairs of men and of nations, has by a resolution requested the president to designate and set apart a day for national prayer and humiliation.

And whereas, it is the duty of nations as well as of men to own their dependence upon the overruling power of God: to confess their sins and transgressions in humble sorrow, yet with assured hope that genuine repentance will lead to mercy and pardon; and to recognize the sublime truth, announced in the Holy Scriptures and proven by all history, that those nations only are blessed whose God is the Lord:

And insomuch as we know that by His divine law nations, like individuals, are subjected to punishments and chastisements in this world, may we not justly fear that the awful calamity of civil war which now desolates the land may be but a punishment inflicted upon us for our presumptuous sins, to the needful end of our national reformation as a whole People? We have been the recipients of the choicest bounties of Heaven. We have been preserved, these many years, in peace and prosperity. We have grown in numbers, wealth, and power as no other nation has ever grown; but we have forgotten God. We have forgotten the gracious hand which preserved us in peace, and multiplied and enriched and strengthened us; and we have vainly imagined, in the deceitfulness of our hearts, that all these blessings were produced by some superior wisdom and virtue of our own. Intoxicated with unbroken success, we have become too self-sufficient to feel the necessity of redeeming and preserving grace, too proud to pray to the God who made us:

It behooves us then, to humble ourselves before the offended Power, to confess our national sins, and to pray for clemency and forgiveness:

All this being done in sincerity and truth, let us then rest humbly in the hope authorized by the divine teachings, that the united cry of the nation will be heard on high, and answered with blessings no less than the pardon of our national sins, and the restoration of our now divided and suffering country to its former happy condition of unity and peace.

Let us not forget that as a nation we need God just as much as we need God in our own personal lives. 

STAND FIRM

1 Chronicles 11:13-14.

He (Eleazar) was with David at Pasdammim. Now there the Phillistines were gathered for battle and there was a piece of ground full of barley. So the people fled from the Phillistines. But they (David & Eleazar) stationed themselves in the middle of that field, defended it and killed the Phillistines. So the LORD brought about a great victory.




Have you ever wanted to throw in the towel, quit or just run away?  That's the valley I've been trudging through for a while now.  I've been torn apart at the thought of leaving some of the ministries I've been involved in for the last several years but at the same time wasn't sure how I could continue on with the way things are.  The only thing that has kept me from just throwin in that towel are the amazing people I serve in those ministries.  My heart is invested.   A dear friend has said the words "Be the Change" to me so many times I feel like it should  be tattoed on my forehead.

Now I'm not talking a few weeks here.  I'm talking month after month after month even though I've taken all the actions that would keep me moving forward - co-leading mission trips, co-leading outreaches in my city, showing up, serving, loving those in front of me.  I've asked God a hundred times "Why do you have me in these ministries, in these places, when you know my heart and my passion and I feel like it's being put out".  You've put big dreams, big plans, in my heart Lord so why am I serving in places where I feel like I'm not being supported, where I feel like I'm all alone out on the front lines with those I serve and even those I serve with and under don't seem to care.

I have cried and repented and begged God to change my heart and my attitude.  I have come face to face with some of my own "ugliness" and have cried out to JESUS that he would simply rip my eyes from those around me and put them back on Him.  I've prayed for eyes ONLY for Him & I've made this my daily prayer.  And yet I keep finding myself in this place & the only thing that keeps me going is the love I have for those these ministries serve.

Something tells me that when David and Eleazar looked around in that barley field and realized everyone else had run away that they felt pretty alone.  Especially as they watched wave after wave after wave of the Philistine army coming over the hill and marching right at them.  I bet they didn't feel particularly supported by those around them or over them.  Something tells me they probably even wondered why God would lead them to this field in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by Philistines and leave them there with dreams unfulfilled.

But they didn't run away with their friends.  They STATIONED THEMSELVES in the middle of the field.  Stationed represents a purposeful act.  They took up positions in that field and purposed to fight no matter what was coming over the hills at them.  Something tells me that at some point they lifted their eyes from the Enemy coming over the hills and raised their eyes to Heaven.  They took their EYES OFF THEIR CIRCUMSTANCES, OFF THEIR ENEMY AND PLACED THEM ON GOD AND GOD  BROUGHT FORTH A VICTORY!

Now I am not pretending to say that those around me in my life are my enemies.  Far from it actually.   They are my friends and I love them.  God has given me a different passion, a different heart than a lot of the people around me.  I believe it's for a reason.  I believe it is because HIS call on my life is different from the call on the lives of a lot of those around me.  I have been called to live a life completely sold out for Jesus Christ.  He has different plans for me and I am fine with that.  That can be a lonely place sometimes.  I bet Jesus was lonely sometimes too.  This I do know though .....if I STAND FIRM right where God has planted me, in the middle of my barley field.........GOD WILL BRING ABOUT THE VICTORY. 

What if all of David and Eleazar's friends had stayed ....... maybe the story would have read differently......David's army defeated the Phillistines.  End of story.  Perhaps it was only because David & his friend Eleazar STATIONED THEMSELVES and STOOD FIRM that God was able to MOVE and receive the Glory for what HE had done.  David and Eleazar STATIONED THEMSELVES purposefully in that field.  They grasped their swords and THEY STOOD FIRM.  Yes they were scared.  Yes they felt alone and abandoned.  They must have wondered why God had brought them to a barley field to die.  But they STOOD FIRM.

This is my prayer.  Father God help me to STAND FIRM in the middle of my BARLEY FIELD just as David and Eleazar did.  Let me STATION myself to be of maximum use to you and to those around me.  Let me not focus today on the approaching enemy but on YOU.  For no army of this world is greater than MY GOD.  LORD I WILL NOT RUN.  MY FEET ARE PLANTED FIRMLY.  PURPOSEFULLY.  I AM STATIONED IN MY FIELD.  I WILL WAIT ON YOU FOR THE VICTORY YOU WILL BRING.  I LOVE YOU MY LORD, MY SAVIOUR, MY FRIEND.







 

The Cross in the Closet

I was sorting through a closet at church the other day looking for a storage bin and tucked away in the dark in the very back of the closet was an old wooden cross.  I pulled it out and carried it into the teen room at church and thought I would put it up on the wall.  After all it was just collecting dust in the closet.  Tonight with a little wire and a lot of help we got the cross hanging on the wall.

My friend Vivian posted this today which made me think about the significance of pulling that cross out of the closet:

S - John 19:39 Nicodemus, who had first come to Jesus at night, came now in broad daylight carrying a mixture of myrrh and aloes, about seventy-five pounds.

O - Nicodemus, along with Joseph of Arimathea, finally decided to honor Jesus in the open, instead of in secret.

A - Do they know that you believe? Are you a secret Christian? There is no shame in believing in Christ and following the one true God and what He has written in His Word. If you are ashamed, then the esteem of man ranks higher with you than your love for the Man who gave His life for you. How sad Nicodemus and Joseph must have been to have seemingly lost one whom they loved so much and yet they never dared to show it. And how bold, after Jesus' death, to finally step out and honor Him.

P - Lord, help me to love and honor the living now so that I have no regrets. And help me to honor You by worshiping and following You openly, without shame, because I love You more than the esteem of man.

Was it a coincidence that I stumbled across an old dusty cross  and a few days later Vivian posted her divine inspiration on John 19:39.  I don't think so.  Consider this cross "out of the closet" forever.  Let's not hide our crosses in the closet but carry them proudly.  After all the one that died on that cross did it for you and for me.  And those secrets, those "crosses" we bear we can pull those out of their closets too because Jesus died to set us free.  The more I share my "secrets" the freer I become and most days I don't need a closet...........cause Jesus has set me free to just be me & this "me" just wants to seek the face of JESUS not in the privacy of my closet but out in public, on the streets, at work, at home and EVERYWHERE.  Can you imagine what our world would look like if we started living for JESUS right out in the open where everyone could see? 

Letting Go

I have survived another surrender; I have let go once again.  I'd like to tell you this one was easy but it was not.  What I will tell you, however, is that even in the midst of it I got a glimpse of God's hand and his purpose and his plan and that alone eased the pain.

Paul and I drove 5 hours to bring Patrick (my son) to Central Maine Master's Commission at Calvary Temple in Waterville, ME.  I've been dreading today for months.  I've fretted and worried about my "baby".  Who's going to remind him to pick up his laundry (or to wash it); who will make sure he eats right and watch out for him?  These are just a few of the thoughts that would wash over me as I thought about dropping him off  and coming home without him.  After all I've had him for 18 years.  I've laughed at him and with him.  I've cried over him and with him.  I've picked him up and dusted him off and sent him back into the game.  I've watched countless football games through my fingers because I couldn't watch them tackle my boy :)  I've pulled homework out from under his bed, his closet and the woods across the street.  I've threatened and yelled.  I've prayed and prayed and prayed.

A week ago I had a conversation with God which I called my "Abraham Moment" when God clearly spoke to me and said "Give him to me" and I clearly saw myself placing my son in God's hands.  You see - he really isn't mine.  He was only mine on loan.  He's been God's all along.  I'd like to say that that just made the whole process of packing and leaving easy..........but it didn't.  There were still clothes to wash and pack, closets to empty and memories to walk through but at the end of the day there he was ............ closing the door of his room for the last time; saying good-bye to his dog and walking to the car.

And 5 hours later we were getting out of the van and looking around the place where he would be starting the next chapter of his life.  We were laughing and playing games with other parents who were standing right where we were.  We were meeting his roommates and wondering how four boys were going to survive in that little room (especially since they will be taking turns cooking and cleaning) and we were unloading the car and leaving for the night.  No good-byes yet because we would see him in the morning at church. 

And then this morning.  I walked into church and he was already there.  Hanging out with his new friends.  He came over and told us all about his first night in the dorm and he was grinning from ear to ear.  This strange place was already becoming his new home.  Worship began and we sang a song about surrendering it all & then the pastor shared his heart and vision for the youth before him and preached a sermon called "Ordinary Heroes".  This man I barely know is already invested in my son.  I watched Pat answer the alter call and watched him receive prayer on the floor at the alter.  And through my tears I hugged my son and said good-bye and yet I had to smile because the entire morning had shown me clearly that Pat is exactly where he is supposed to be and there he stood in God's hands.......in Maine.

Face to Face

A week ago Paul and I received a call that our niece had overdosed and was being rushed to the hospital.  Off we went to the ER where we sat until around 2 in the morning.  The hospital policy is that only two people can be in the room at a time so we took turns visiting.  When it was my turn, as I sat next to my niece's bed.......it struck me.  She was sleeping as I sat there and while she slept her face looked like the little girl I used to play with.  The little girl we had funny nicknames for and who used to spend the night with us snuggled in bed between the two of us.  The little girl I watched Charlie & the Chocolate Factory with a thousand times.    And I had to ask myself..........how do you go from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory to a suicide attempt at 19?  The answer...........PAIN.   It doesn't matter if I understand the pain, approve of the pain or what I think.  It's not about me.  It's about a young girl who for a moment in time thought death would be easier than life. 

It was scary coming face to face with the reality that she wanted to die.  That she could have been gone from my life forever.  I was surprised at how sharp that pain was.

The pain that was equally as sharp was knowing that there have been times when I have resisted getting involved and trying to help because I thought she really didn't want my help or because her life was too messy.  Ouch!  Not exactly what Jesus would do, huh? 

I know that I can't save her.  That's between her and God but I can do my best to be more involved in her life and to point her to the answer for her pain - a relationship with God.  At 19 that probably doesn't look that interesting but I was only 24 when I was right where she was and it was God and God alone that intervened and saved my life.  He never gave up on me.  Never turned his back on me.  Just like Jesus.  Jesus waded right into the middle of people's messy lives and when he showed up - circumstances changed.  The blind saw.  The deaf heard.  The lame walked.  

Lord my neice needs a miracle.  She needs you.  She needs your love.  Use me Lord to reach her for you and forgive me for all the times I didn't reach out with your love.  Give me your eyes to see her.  Your heart to love her & your wisdom to guide her.  Amen.

What Does Love Look Like?

This is what I picture love looking like.

It's loving regardless of mistakes that have been made.

It's loving those that don't always appear very loveable.

It's accepting that I am imperfect and yet I am loved.

I didn't do anything to earn it.

I don't deserve it.

Yet I am loved.  Perfectly.